High Dives..1, 2, 3 JUMP Or Not!

Hang with me y'all I promise this will get back to the triathlon part! Going from Trippin' to Triathlons is a journey and I am no longer trippin' and I am working towards those triathlons. I know many of you are not spiritual in nature, but I REALLY hope you hang with me, on this journey because when I cross that finish line in IM Louisville it will be so much more than "just an IM." This is truly a journey! The spiritual nature of my writings are not meant to turn anyone away, but spirituality is the path I have chosen to not only help me remain sober but to truly recover. Who know, NOT ME, what this journey would be about!

It's been two weeks again since I opened the book, it's been a long hard two weeks, personally and spiritually. I open my addiction recovery book to Step 3 and the title of the step is Trust In God. If I believed in irony I would say very ironic, instead I will say well played God, well played. Last Saturday I was told by a very dear and close friend in the church, "If you don't believe it then you have to just make a decision and follow through" The very 1st sentence in step 3, "Step 3 is the decision phase" I have struggled so bad my entire life with the key principle of step 3: Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. Struggled doesn't even begin to describe the epic battle I have waged with this for about the last 25 years of my life, but especially the last few weeks. I am not even sure I want to read step 3, step 1 and 2 were pretty easy, but I know that step 3 is the beginning of the heart of the matter and I am not sure I am ready, yet at the same time, I know it's time. Surrender our entire lives, past, present, and future, that means I have to give up what I have held onto that means I have to surrender where I'm at right now and that means the future is truly His. The fear of this is HUGE! The fear of surrender is probably the greatest fear I have. I fear not being in control! I fear not calling the shots, I fear peace, I fear what surrender means. This weekend Gina, yet another amazingly awesome friend said to me, "do you really trust that you can do things better than God?" Well, no I don't but it's again that comfort that comes from what is familiar what is known and surrender is not one of those familiar things. I fear not being okay. My drug use was not a result of some rebellious got sucked up into the wrong crowd young adult situation. I, in fact, never touched a drug at all, barely ever drank, had only taken Tylenol and birth control (and well with 6 kids you can see how well I remembered to do that) I was 33 before I ventured into the world of drugs. It wasn't just a phase I was going through. I know exactly what landed me in that mind frame to begin using and I almost didn't make it out. I don't just mean it was the drugs that almost killed me, because they did, and I still have such a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that I am alive today with the amount I used. But, coupled with that was what lead me to use and the fact that alone almost destroyed me. I guess I haven't really talked about it, I don't talk about it, it is so much easier to talk about the addiction than it is to talk about the surrounding factors of addiction. Yet, I fear that when I surrender, what if that fine line I walk is shaken, what if I am not okay. That is what I fear, I don't fear the addiction, I fear surrender, I fear trusting something, even if it is a Heavenly Father, I fear not being okay. Step 3 is that choice of agency and I know it is time. Yet as I sit here book beside me computer screen open, I am shaking so bad I can hardly type or see the screen through my tears. Sitting on Jeff and Cathy's couch when I said this book scares me it isn't the meetings, this right here is why, surrender. I also know that until I choose to surrender until I exercise this agency I can not put into the fullest practice addiction recovery.

At every turn the last several weeks I have wanted to leave the church, to walk away to be done. Yet, wherever I run there I still am. I can't run away from me. Thursday night, as I stood in my kitchen making dozens of sugar cookies and over a hundred pumpkin ham and cheese sandwiches, frustrated once again with people, I felt strongly impressed that it was time to sit down and look at the questions in chapter 3. Last summer I took my kids to Wyoming to see my family. We went to some natural hot springs pools, to swim, one day. I HATE heights yet my daughter, son, and nieces convinced me that I needed to go off the high dive. I slowly and reluctantly climbed that ladder, got to the top and could see the entire springs around me. It was really pretty! Yet, I knew I couldn't stand there forever, in fact my time on this diving board platform was really short. I had to decide was I going to walk to the end of the board and jump trusting that the water below was going to do it's job and I could testify that it was safe and fun and completely worth the trip up the steps or was I going to turn around and walk back down the steps to the deck and always wonder what would it be like to jump, always wonder what if. As I walked to the end of the diving board I had my little cheering section my kids were yelling "You can do it Mom" my nieces were yelling "Go Aunt Ryan" my aunt and mom were both watching not saying much but waiting to see the jump. I walked to the end of the board and I stood there for what felt like an eternity. I would count to three and tell myself okay on three you are going to jump. Three would come and go and I would start over, again and again. I would think through the whole process, am I going to dive, am I going to jump, what if I land on my butt, what if I belly flop, what if I look stupid, what if my swimming suit comes off, then finally when I stopped thinking through it when I stopped counting I took one big breath and before I knew it I was air born. I didn't think about jumping, or diving or belly flopping or if my suit was going to stay where it belonged. Within seconds (less than that I'm sure) I was under water, I didn't stay under, I quickly rose to the top, laughing and so thankful I took the plunge. As I look at Step 3 I feel that same way. I have stood at the end of the diving board nearly all my life. It hasn't all been bad there have been some amazing views but I have been here before. Where I stop, where I go through all the what if scenarios in my head and I tell myself okay when you count to three you are just going to do it...three comes and goes and yet there I stand. I don't want to climb down the ladder I've started to climb down before, yet I know I am done standing on the end of the diving board. Tonight, it is time to jump. It is time to take that jump to surrender. Just like the water below I know I will be caught, I will be encased in something so much more than myself, and when I come up out of that water I will be a different person than when I was standing on the board.

 It is not about the church, it isn't about the things I don't have a testimony of, this is about my willingness to trust in God and obey Him. I am not a cowardly person it is time I act in that courage and learn to trust in His will. I have tried to find comfort and joy within myself. I often find myself not patient with me with this process and then in turn also feel that those around me, walking this journey are also not patient with me as I fight some of the same battles repeatedly. I have been sober 2 years and 5 months, this isn't about fighting the battle of sobriety it is about fighting the battle of recovery. I have to trust in the patience of our God when I don't have that patience with myself and when those around me are tired of hearing the same struggles "one more time" My efforts at recovery, not sobriety, but recovery have been anxious and halting. I keep giving the Lord that trust of my recovery of my life been then out of fear of screwing it up I take it back almost as quickly as I give it to Him.

A scripture came to mind the other night Isaiah 43:18-19 "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland"

When it comes to Step 3 it is all about surrendering your will. Today in church, the lesson was on talent. I do not think I am void of talent, however, I have never really looked at my talents as a gift that our Heavenly Father has personally given to me. As the lesson was discussed I thought of this lesson and how it discusses our will is the one thing that we can personally give to Him. Holding tightly onto our own personal will hinders our Heavenly Father's plan for our lives on so many levels. Not only does it keep us from being able to live our lives in a state of recovery, it also hinders us from our abilities to be stewards of the talents He has personally selected for each of us. Our talents are our obligation to the world and if I choose not to surrender my will to our Heavenly Father if I choose to not push through that fear and hesitation and pride that this addiction recovery book faces me with, what I am doing to the puzzle that Heavenly Father has created? Will my lack of surrender, my desire to hold tightly to my will hinder His role for me on Earth? Absolutely! However, because I sit here with less fret today than I did last week it does not mean that I am any more eager to truthfully do this. I am still scared! I still struggle with the unknown and all the what if, however I also know that if I continue to stand here and count to 3 while thinking out all the scenarios I may very well never jump. I may need to walk myself down the ladder back to the platform so that those whom are ready to take the jump may do so. However, I am not ready to walk down the ladder I am ready to see what happens when I hit the water.

How do I feel about God directing my life? That question kind of depends on the moment. One moment I am relieved, it is that sigh of relief at the end of a heavy burdened task, a most difficult job, a sigh of okay I can do this I can allow Him to take over I no longer need to rely on my own merit. HOWEVER, that is most often over shadowed by the terrifying thought of I am no longer calling the shots. When I 1st started the idea of ascertaining my sobriety I would often set limits for myself, I would say okay well if sobriety doesn't work I can always use again. I can always get more cocaine, heroin, or pills it is not hard. I would always leave the door open so that I could go back to that lifestyle I would never shut it completely because what if I needed to go back, what if I couldn't handle the way it was sober, even though I had liven the vast majority of my life sober. I was afraid to shut that door to my drug use completely, because what if! I knew that sobriety was what I was needed I knew with my entire being that I had to walk through that door I had to make the decision that I would never use again, I knew that I had to turn my back on the way of comfort and security that came with the instant self gratify moment of a high. I knew that I had to shut down the adrenaline seeking behaviors and thoughts behind the seeking out the drug, the securing the money the making the trade and the using. Sometimes I often think, that it wasn't the high from the drug alone that I sought after but the high from the entire process. As I sit here tonight reading the 1st question, again, for the 50th, time in Step 3 "How do you feel about letting God direct your life" I find myself almost with that similar mindset that mindset of well if turning my will over to God doesn't work out I can always take it back, after all He has given us the right of free agency. Yet, in my heart of hearts I know that tonight that decision to surrender my will to Him completely is just like it was when I walked away from the life of a drug user on May 16, 2013. There is no keeping one foot in the drug world and one foot in the sober world. I was a binge user I would use so much so fast and then go a few days, weeks, and at one point even months without using again, but when I had those drugs in my possession there was no self control. I couldn't just use a little, it was all or none. When I flushed the remainder of my drugs, when I burned my "tools" I was scared to death. I was shaking I was afraid I couldn't do it. I didn't think I could do it, I wanted to run back to my drugs, to my habits, because I could no one was making me quit and if they were screw them it was about me. Yet, another day sober clicked by and another and another, and those days turned to weeks weeks to months and eventually months to years. It didn't mean it was easy, and there are still days that I think, "Why did I quit?" I could call up my dealers right now and in a few hours time I could be blasted. Yet, I don't. It's my choice not to, but I don't because I don't want to go back to that lifestyle. That is how I am with my decision to let God control my life. I know that especially in the beginning it is going to be hard, it is going to be a challenge and there are going to be those moments those days that I want to run back to what I know. However, just like in my sobriety I had to have measures in place to protect me. If I kept on doing what I had done during my drug using days I would be right back into the using phase of life. One can not make huge life changes without having the proper safety nets in place. I have to find that time to read scripture and to pray. I have to surround myself and treat this new tender lifestyle the same that I treated my new tender sobriety nearly 2.5 years ago. So how do I feel about letting God direct my life? I feel like can I do this? But at the same time I know I can!


What prevents me from allowing Him to direct my life? I have answered that in the above example and in the diving board analogy. However, I will take it a step further and get real with myself. I fear what if I am wrong. What if believing in this plan of God or even fully believing in God equates itself to something similar to believing in Santa Clause. Yet, I know there is a God I believe there is a Heavenly Father yet I struggle to let go of my will and allow something (for lack of a better word) that is not tangible to direct my entire life. My life isn't just about me it is about my 6 precious babies. I know if it was just me the struggle would be less. I get that it should be the other way that I should welcome Him directing my life to in turn then direct my family, yet I feel the opposite. The "what if" I am wrong "what if" this is silly "what if" I am leading my family down the wrong path. As I sat in church today and listened to them talk about harmony and that we go to church for our Heavenly Father and our testimony in Him (which I already knew I'm not saying I go to church for the people) but it made me wonder again how strong is my testimony. How easily do I allow myself to be shaken because of the free agency and human nature of people especially those within a church setting, but more than that I feel like I place church and religion on the same plane as Heavenly Father which makes it really hard to separate when I am so new to the church with such a small testimony. As I held this book in my hand that Tuesday in the Layton's home I knew I was going to have to face some tough junk, both personally and spiritually. And step 3 is the start of that junk. What prevents me from allowing Him to direct my life...trust...I don't trust. I have always been hurt by people as both a child and as an adult. I feel and hurt a lot more than I ever let on and as a result of the deep ways in which I feel things I tend to not trust to protect myself. I find myself doing that with Heavenly Father. I find myself not allowing him to direct my life because I struggle with trust. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall and the peace and trust and comfort I have found in him to be yanked away. I am afraid to truly trust in what he has promised and to find that solace and peace that so many speak of. When you have such a skewed view of family, earthly family, when your view of what a father is like is in fact so far from anything that you would want to direct your life it is so hard to let the concept of a Heavenly Father, someone (again lack of better term) you can not see, touch, feel, something that is not tangible something you have to have faith and believe in have that control. I prevent me from letting Him have that direct control because I fear getting the rug yanked out from under me, I fear hearing "oh wait just kidding I know this is what I promised but this is what is going to happen instead" I fear not calling the shots and not being in control of what happens. When you have grown up, your entire childhood years, formulated around broken promises, around a twisted and corrupt sense of I love you. When the people that you were supposed to be able to trust to guide and direct your life when you were supposed to be able to let that guard down and know that those that were meant to direct your life were going to direct it out of love and out of a desire to do what is best for you, but don't, then what? When those that are supposed to direct your life but do it with so many broken promises so many "I love you it will never happen again" you lose that ability to be able to allow anyone even a Heavenly Father to just come in and direct things. You lose that ability and desire and capacity to believe in Heavenly promises to accept that love because there were always conditions always broken promises. What prevents Him from directing my life is so much more than just keeping that door open a crack to use again, because those doors really aren't open. What prevents it is 38 years of being in survival mode, of not being able to trust anyone, of not being able to find security in a promise and from always have the love of those in a position to direct my life full of malice.


Is this easy? Absolutely not! But, I am absolutely determined to continue on my journey of From Trippin' To Triathlons and when I cross that line in Louisville KY and hear those words "You are an Ironman" I will also know that crossing that line has allowed me a full and complete sense of recovery.