I have not opened my addiction recovery book in 2, yes TWO, weeks. I could not bring myself to do it while we were on vacation. However, I have felt many promptings the last couple of days to sit down, to read, step 2. Remember how this whole addiction recovery started, September's fasting and testimony service, today was no different! Today during testament meeting Brother Estes' talked about his early conversion experience and as he spoke all of my own walk, since my baptism came together. I don't pray, I don't read, I don't study, I don't seek council because the idea of the Holy Ghost with me is completely intimidating and overwhelming. Yet, until today, I didn't put it all together. Tonight as I sat down and opened Step 2 Hope, I had no expectations. Not that I mean that in a bad way, I mean I was prepared to absorb what was written without my own preconceived notions. Then I read this: "As we took step 2, we became willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addictions with faith in the love and power of Jesus Christ. We took this step in our minds and in our hearts, and we experienced the truth that the foundation of recovery from addiction must be spiritual."
I have been unwilling up until this point to relinquish the trust that I have in myself and my "look what I can do with my addiction" mentality and make it a spiritual matter. I have tried all the worldly things, all the things within me to fully recover from my addiction, but deep down I have always known I had to do more, I had to take it to the next level, and until tonight I was not ever willing to ascertain that notion of letting go of what I can do and allowing that power from Heavenly Father to enter my life and that the truth and foundation from my recovery could spiritually come from Him. Pride? Absolutely I wanted to take the credit for my sobriety and my addiction, I didn't want to admit that I needed something more, something beyond myself to solidify my sobriety. I have been afraid of letting the Heavenly Father, the doctrine, the scriptures, and prayers to change my life. I have been afraid that in doing all these things I will fully believe in this church, in its teachings, that I will have that hope of better things to come. That fear of hope and belief in the spiritual is much larger than I gave it credit for.
As an addict self imposed isolation is what I know best. I don't mean recluse isolation, I mean that I am very walled up. I don't let people into my world but with that I also don't let Heavenly Father in either. All that is required in Step 2 is to become willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. Those promptings to pick up the book tonight, to read step 2, after listening to Brother Estes' testimony on a day I almost didn't make it to church, the one thing I can say is I believe fully in the impeccable timing of Heavenly Father and it is through that belief, that precept, I can push forward!
After reading the questions that followed the paragraphs for step 2 I realized that I have been afraid to fully commit to our Heavenly Father because I wanted to leave some doors open for poor and worldly choices. I knew that if I prayed studied believed and read that the Holy Ghost would be with me, and I viewed that as "Big Brother" always waiting for me to make a mistake always watching my every move rather than as a companion that wanted to walk with me, guide me, comfort and love me through this life on Earth. However, tonight, as I opened this book, as I read these words, the reality hit me hard, it is two fold. I can not recover from my addiction without allowing the Holy Ghost being my companion and I will not make it long in the church if I simply go through the motions. Tonight my conviction runs deep, this program, this book, is not only leading me through the necessary means in which to recover from my addiction, this program is strengthening the roots of my spiritual walk within the church.
One of the questions in step 2 "How do you feel about sharing your feelings with the Lord?" My reply, straight up I don't like it. It leaves me feeling stupid vulnerable naked and exposed. However, coupled with that I long to have that desire that relationship and I know that it will come only from shutting those doors from not hanging onto the temporal things feeling like "what if I need them." I don't just mean with drugs I mean with thoughts, feelings, emotions, beliefs, and actions. I want to always believe that I made it this far in my life on my own. I wanted to believe that after a childhood of junk that lead me to walk out the door at 16 and be on my own, after walking away cold turkey from strong drugs, after all I DO that I had my bases covered that there was nothing that I could not do for myself. Yet his grace his where I am at, His mercy and that fact that for this recovery to fully take place I must allow the savior to do for me what I can not do for myself.
Recovery and sobriety are two completely different things. I can remain sober, it is a challenge it is hard and there are days I think heavily about using, but I can maintain my sobriety. I do that simply by not using. However, recovery is much deeper than that it is much more than that my recovery is very superficial, my recovery stops at sobriety. I absolutely need that divine strength that can only come from the Heavenly Father to get me not only into my recovery but to maintain it and to keep it going rather than it being a stop start type of set up.
My physical body does not need healing, thankfully I do not have any long term physical implications from my drug use, it is my spiritual and emotional bodies that need healing. I need His strength His hand to reach into those levels of my life and to heal from within. I do not have it within me I do not have that kind of strength to push through those areas of my life that lead to true recovery from addiction. Not only the addiction of the illegal substances themselves but from the addiction to the thoughts feeling emotions that surround themselves from the life of being an addict. I have got to draw on the redeeming power of Christ that step 2 speaks of if this will ever happen in my life. My strength ended with my ability to maintain sobriety. I can not further change myself on my own accord, and believe me I have tried!
Another question in step 2 asked in what ways am I more aware of Jesus Christ in my life than I was a week, month, or year ago. Last year I didn't even know if I believed in Him in fact I am pretty sure I didn't. I absolutely never saw myself in an LDS church, and a month ago although a baptized member of the church never imagined myself going through an addiction recovery program, a week ago I was ready to walk away from all of this, because it is hard. The reality was I was feeling like I wasn't enough Mormon that I would never be enough. However, today as I see where I was a week, a month, a year ago and after listening to Brother Estes' testimony and reading Step 2 I realized how true that is I will never be enough. I do not have the strength that Christ has we are not designed to be enough. We are created to be allow Him to be enough in us and through us.
As I continually battle with my feelings of "not enough" it seeps into all areas of my life including my triathlon training because after all I am going from trippin to triathlons. 5 and a half years ago my world came crashing in and I became this addict that I am now working to recover from. In that time I let things in my life slide I stopped giving 150% to life because I couldn't, what addict can? I played softball, I ran, I was crazy strong and could outlift most guys that I was in the gym and I wouldn't quit I kept going. Yet, when you use the amount of drugs that I was using how can one exactly do that? The last half marathon I ran, I ran with enough heroine in my system that I should have been dead and not running. It was after this race that I stopped working out, and when I sobered up on May 16, 2013 I put on 100 lbs, 60 of which I am still packing around. However, what did I expect to be able to do was to jump right back into running, into training, to be at that point I was at six years ago before I started my life of trippin'. Who was I kidding? I was trying to kid myself. I wanted to be "that person" that didn't have to build back up to where I was at as an athlete. I didn't want to admit that the drugs and then the weight I gained were not going to impact my abilities. I didn't want to admit I was that way overweight person that hadn't done much in the 6 years that I had continually let myself down.
I had a bit of a reality check lately, I have finally been able to accept I have to start at ground zero. I have to admit I can't lift, run, bike, and swim like I did 6 years and 60lbs ago until I build back up to that point. However, I want to do this, I need to do this. I need to prove to myself that I am enough. I need to prove that I can back to the point where I was at before, I need to do this to prove to me that I can race again. More than that I need to do this to prove that I am mentally strong enough to eat right, train right, and not give up! I feel like a huge failure for the events of my life over the last several years and I refuse to let my triathlon dreams be one of them. After a long sob story email to my training coach and to my crossfit friend, I have adjusted all of my races and my training schedules accordingly. I have a half IM and a full IM on my schedule and they are so obtainable it is empowering. I am no longer scared, I have my fight back!
As I sat down with my calendar last night, putting in baseball games, rabbit shows, horse shows, goat shows, 4H meetings, church events, choir concerts, my trip to CA to pick up rabbits, the host of other kid events, my crossfit and triathlon training, my Hawaii vacation with my husband, ALL the farm going on, and my HIM and IM races it hit me full force I have absolutely no choice but to go through this addiction recovery program. I need to be healthy for me, for my family, these things I can not do if I find myself in the dark, mental, emotional, and spiritual places I have been.
I have got this, I am enough!! There will be an exciting new addition to From Trippin To Triathlons over the course of my training until that moment I cross the IM finish line! I can't wait to share it with you as it comes to fruition!
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