When the Gru of all things blogging asked me to blog, I admit I blew it off, repeatedly I really didn't have time! Between the Holidays and kidding season on the ol' farm I have been up to my elbow, errrr I mean eyeballs in all things farming! Really though it is more than that. Recently I have been struggling with who I am. I mean I know who I am, but as I go through the addiction recovery program, as I decide what I am going to do about religion, God, spirituality, and make some decisions about my triathlon training I have had to evaluate who I am. What parts of me do I hang on to because that is what I have always known, it is my protection, and what parts of me is really who I am. As I have blogged about in recent months I recently joined the LDS church. This after hearing my entire life how wrong the church was, while still trying to wrap my mind around am I even able to believe in what the church teaches, to fumbling through the culture that is this church. More than that trying to not make everyone mad in the process both people in and out of the church while I figure this out. However, I can say I have not been successful in that, dang! In addition, I have decided to evaluate my farm and my family and my lifestyle to decide what really is important to me. My fingers have stuttered over the keyboard for three days now as I have attempted to write this blog, the deadline for publication has come and gone a few times, yet I assured the powers that be, tonight it would get written. It is not that I don't know what I want to share with you, it is I want you all to read it from my heart.
Kyle, my seven year old, he is the difficult one of the bunch. When you have six kids, there has to be one, right? He is a free spirit and stubborn! He also seems to be impacted but what he eats especially sugars and food dyes. For Christmas, from Santa, he wanted a candy machine. With the exception of my four year old my kids don't believe in Santa, but there is an unspoken rule what you ask Santa for, you shall receive. Against my better judgment a candy machine was purchased, you know the kind with the 3 compartments to dispense all kinds of sugary goodness into the outstretched hands of its recipients. As the semi controlled chaos, otherwise known as Christmas morning, came to an end Kyle picked up his candy machine to go stash it in his man cave. The last thing the little guy was about to do was share his candy with his siblings. As he grabbed his prize possession, by the lid, the lid slips off and thousands of pieces of candy scatter across the floor. He was pissed, in his mind his world had come to an abrupt stop and his Christmas had been ruined. What is a mom to do, except kneel down and offer to pick up the candy for him? However, mom had the idea of scoop it all up and place it in the compartments, it really did not need to be sorted. Kyle on the other hand was adamant that the M&Ms be placed together, the Skittles together, and likewise the Reese's Pieces. Alas, sort them is what I did. Candy with an M went in one pile, an S another, and the blank orange, brown, and yellow in another. It took some time but finally the candy was compartmentalized again and Christmas was saved.
Several days after Christmas Kyle comes to the living room, after bedtime. He has a bowl and proudly says, "Mom here is Reese's Pieces just for you cuz you helped me pick them up!" My favorite candy! Kids were headed to bed, Netflix was on tv, why not round out the evening and make it a perfect trifecta with a little candy. I tossed the 1st few handfuls in my mouth getting what I expected peanut butter in a crunchy shell, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that what I was seeing was really what I was getting. That was until about the 3rd time I stuck my hand in the bowl, opened my mouth and tossed in several pieces of orange, yellow, and brown candy, this time however not all went as expected. One of those yellow pieces of candy, was in deed not a peanut butter center with a chocolate shell, instead I had bit into a chewy, yellow, lemon flavored Skittle. I like Skittles, really I do, but when you are expecting peanut butter, and all the other candy is peanut butter, it is a shock to many senses when a chewy lemon flavored candy sneaks in the batch. Who knew that the same yellow on the outside could produce such different results on the inside? As I wrestled with self acceptance recently it is through a silly bowl of candy that I found peace and assurance. It isn't what we show others on the outside, it is what we are made of on the inside that matters.
I hate labels whether it be addiction, mental illness, genius....I hate it because of the stigma society has placed behind them. Over the course of the last six months I fear the what if. What if people get to know me, what if they find out I was locked up, what if they find out I was a heavy drug addict, what if they find out I lost custody of my two older kids for a few months, what if they find out I had an affair on my husband with gasp a Mormon, what if they find out I am not like them. I fear what if they think underneath my yellow coating is peanut butter, but really it is lemon. I fear I will lose friendships, others will think I am crazy, unstable and that they should fear me. In fact even in typing it out today my fingers seriously stutter over the keys on my keyboard and I contemplate finding a different topic to blog about. However, it is time I overcome the fear and pray that in some small way I can help society overcome an even greater fear of people that are different than them. Sugar coating it (no pun intended) through semantics and verbiage just to ease my own insecurities and the fear, of judgment, places control back onto the fact that so many don't look past the yellow coating on the outside to determine what is on the inside, because the world can't only be made of Reese's Pieces sometimes you need lemon Skittles.
I am going to share with you who I am. I am going to share with you that I am more than a blogger on the other side of the screen. I am going to share me! Our outer candy shells may look the same, but what matters is what's under that coating, I am going to challenge you tonight as you read this, embrace you! It doesn't matter if you are pure chocolate, a chewy rainbow of fruit flavors, or a fake peanut butter concoction, the world would get tired of candy really fast if it all was the same. Don't pretend to be something you aren't the world needs a little flavor. With that said, here I am:
I am a 38 year old stay at home mom of six incredible kids. I am the mom that waits with you at parent pick discussing the everyday happenings. I am the mom that avoids volunteering at school functions, tell me how much to write the check for I am good with that. I am the mom that helps with her kids homework, school projects, and attends all of their events. I am the mom that you complimented today while in the store about how well behaved her children are. I am the mom that couldn't get out of Target fast enough because those well behaved children threw a fit to end all fits. I am the mom that sat across from you at parent teacher conferences and you told her how well adjusted, advanced, and fun her child is in your classroom. I am the mom that you had to call because said child in your class decided to take his knowledge of the birds and the bees and educate his peers. I am the mom that sits next to you in the bleachers at baseball, I am the mom that you hang with at 4H meetings, and comes to your home for music, art and horseback riding lessons. I am the mom that you asked your son or daughter to come to my house and play. I am a wife that loves her husband unconditionally.
I am a 38 year old educated woman. I am the student that sat in your classroom earning two master's degrees before I was 28. I am the peer that helped you pass your classes in addition to doing my own work load. I am the teacher that taught your son/daughter in countless grades and multiple subjects. I am the softball coach that led your child's team to state finals. I am the teacher that you emailed or called anytime your child needed me regardless of it being school related or not. I am the administrator that advocated for your child and you as a parent working to come to a common ground. I am the administrator that came to your house to talk to your son/daughter because I truly cared about what was going on in their lives. I was the teacher that came home from personal vacations early to attend funerals, write letters of recommendations, to go with you to court, to sit in the waiting room with your while child was in surgery, and attend both yours and your son/daughter's college graduations. I am the special education advocate that did not view your child as a disability and fought countless hours for you and your child to have more than simply a fair and appropriate education.
I am a 38 year old well rounded woman. I am the woman that stood next to you at the start of a 5k, 10k, half marathon, or triathlon. I am the woman that shouted cheers of encouragement as we passed each other or crossed the finish line together. I am the woman that you got in touch with to ask questions about gardening, animals, cooking, fitness, or nutrition. I am the woman that you asked to write a children's curriculum, devotional, and to speak hundreds about the journey known as my life. I am the woman you sat next to at church. I am the woman you asked to minister to others in need. I am the woman that you see at the gym, the library, the grocery store, the bank. I am the woman that you make small talk with just because I am there.
I am a 38 year old woman that cares deeply about people. I am the woman that decided to be real, honest, and open about motherhood, being a wife, drug addiction, and once being given a mental health label. I am the woman that you contact even though I am a complete stranger because you need to talk to someone that has been there and understands. I am the woman that you send messages to on facebook, to my phone, and via email because you just need to talk and don't know who else to turn to. I am the woman you call because you have a friend that is struggling and you don't know how to help. I am the woman that puts aside my own pride and fear to ease the pain and struggles of someone else. I am the woman that believes firmly everything has a purpose and a reason and I do my best to help you with your purpose and reason. I am the woman you come to to pray for. I am the woman you turn to because you just need a good laugh. I am the woman that pours my heart out weekly in blogs to thousands of strangers often leaving myself raw and exposed because I never want you to feel alone.
I am a 38 year old woman that used to have borderline personality disorder, BPD yet fought with all I had to overcome and no longer meet the criteria. I am an addict, I will always be yet I didn't know how to deal with the center of my candy being different from how the vast majority of the world portrayed theirs so I buried my struggles in cocaine, heroin and pills. I am a woman that has been hospitalized as a result of drug overdoses and suicidal tendencies. I am a 38 year old woman that has dug deep within myself to identify my triggers and to fight and push through them and to begin to accept because I am different than you not only is that okay, that is how it should be.
Hi I am Ryan a 38 year old woman that is so much more than the coating on the outside of my candy. If I hadn't been open with you would not have ever known I had once carried a label for a mental illness or was a drug addict. Yet, had I not been open with you, you also would not have gotten to know all the strength, humor, and compassion, that is also me. Those around you don't need to only see the candy coating you so painstakingly keep together to keep you blended in with candy of the same flavor, those around you need to see and experience what is on the inside. You are the only you, you are here for a purpose. Be real! I promise the world doesn't need the perfection façade.
