Before I begin to delve into more questions of Step 3 I need
to write a bit about what it is like for me to go through these questions,
these steps, the book, this process. All of this opens a side of me that I keep
closed very tightly for all the reasons I already have mentioned. When I open
those boxes that I have sealed closed so very tight and all that is inside
begins to drift out and it all combines together I begin to feel overwhelmed
emotionally, I begin to panic. This is when those moments like stopping by a
Circle K and picking up one of my favorite drinks becomes a trigger, it is in
these moments that driving near Kino Hospital makes my eyes well up with tears
and I want to retreat, but at the same time I fear that retreat that being
alone. Last week there was an incident on the bus that my kids ride, a 7th
grade boy exposed himself to some girls, and my daughter was a witness to all
of it. This incident all be it disgusting and one that I would be mortified of
if I found my boys in the midst o, more than anything has become such a huge
time drain for me. When my daughter told me what had occurred I notified the
school with the expectation that disciplinary action would be handled within
the school and this boy would no longer be allowed to utilize district
transportation. However, when the school viewed the tapes apparently there was
much much more than what my daughter knew of. For this I am so thankful, yet at
the same time it annoys me that I have to give up an entire day so that my
daughter can go to a child advocate building to be interviewed since this falls
under the category of a sexual assault. Sigh! The building that I had to take
my daughter to was right next to Kino Hospital, a place I have avoided driving
by for nearly 4 years now. Today as I sat in the parking lot the building
glaring at me I couldn't help but feel my chest tighten at the memories of
being locked up there as a direct result of my drug usage. The 1st time was
nearly exactly 4 years ago to date, I don't remember much I just remember
waking up and not knowing where I was or how I got there. Of my nearly week
long stay that moment is all I remember, drugs seriously wiped out so much of
my memory from those few years. The 2nd time I was at Kino involved the
sheriff, a lot of pills, and my drug stash being found. I thought to myself,
today, alas I am over on this side of town, I will stop and pick up my favorite
drink ever! A crushed ice, cherry dr pepper from Circle K. However, this just
compounded the blending of emotion as this was what I would always drink when I
was using. I have barely drank it since I became sober and I don't know that I
can do it again. Yes, I know it is just soda, but when you are an addict it is
essential to realize sometimes those triggering components, no matter how lame
they are, that is okay and sometimes necessary to avoid them.
While sitting in the waiting room of the advocacy center
with Melissa I was reading a pamphlet that they gave me to take home. Inside of
it was myths and facts, one of the myths involved cocaine usage and about
becoming an addict. The fact component was valid, but it was the line at the
end that was a sucker punch when referring to addiction. It discussed how even
after a person has been sober for years they can relapse. It was in that moment
that the weight of my decisions weighed heavily on me. I knew that when I
struggle with the addiction component of my life that it is best if I bring it
into the light, leave it there and walk away, rather than keeping it to myself
and then allowing myself to ponder and play with the notion of using again.
Justification is a slippery slope. It is in these moments where I know I have
to allow myself I have to force myself to take the opportunity of vulnerability
and reach out to someone and tell them, I am struggling. It seems lame to me, I
know it has to seem lame to the person on the other end, but not fighting the
battle alone is huge. As I place it all out there for another person to see I
always instantly want to take it back, it is so embarrassing so shameful,
something I should have a grip on by now, but the truth is most days I do, but
on those days I don't, well I don't. I always fear what will they think, what
will they say, will they think I am messed up, and as jr high as it sounds I
catch myself feeling and thinking and wondering did I lose a friend, will they
still want to be my friend. Today was not an exception it was the rule.
Tonight as I was frustrated with myself about this because,
I feel more than anyone, I should have this figured out by now I was brought
back to the teachings in Step 3 about how I don't have to do this alone that
there is a power out there much greater than mine. For the 1st time in, well
forever, I was able to find some solace and comfort and accept the shred of
peace that I felt that I don't have to worry about what Heavenly Father thinks
on the days I struggle that He isn't going to say here we go again. He has sent
the Holy Ghost as my guide and He is with me as long as I remain in Him.
Tonight as I pushed one of my amazing friends away out of humiliation, fear,
and embarrassment I was reminded that I
can't push our Heavenly Father away through these emotions. For the 1st time
ever I felt a true sense of I am beginning to get what recovery is about. Which
after the struggles of my day I sit here and open my AR book and the question I
am on is based on the writings found in Mosiah 24:15 and the difference between
wanting immediate relief yet being willing to accept the burden to be lightened
gradually.
Once again I am in
awe of the timing of our Heavenly Father. I needed this question tonight!
Addiction is one of those instant gratification events. You need something be
it an emotional or as you delve into addiction physical and mental need met so
you jump to that instant gratification rather than working through what is
necessary to meet that need. This is so me! When I 1st started pondering the idea
of doing this addiction recovery program I shared with some friends, it really
isn't the act of using that concerns me it is the behavior patterns of
addiction that still strike me and one of this that I discussed was instant
gratification. Things come easy for me so when that is combined with the
addiction behavior I am your prime candidate. My recovery and sobriety and
coming into the church are no exception. When I struggle with addiction, when I
struggle with anything emotional or mental I want it resolved right now I want
it gone. I spout off a few sentence prayer literally begging God to remove it
and I expect Him to. When that isn't the case I often question and doubt and
wonder about God. I feel like He didn't do what I needed right then He allowed
me to struggle He allowed me to hurt and now look at where I am. When I didn't
receive that instant relief from my struggles I took any will any resolve I had
given to our Heavenly Father immediately back because if He wasn't going to do
it, then I could fix it better myself I could provide relief for my struggles
if He wasn't going to "snap is heavenly fingers" and make it
disappear right now. I tried to find that immediate relief through drugs,
through busyness, through training for an ironman, through my kids, through my
farm, through friends, through my husband, through shutting down, I had my
entire bag of tricks and I wanted it fixed right now.
I have prayed for so many years, in fact so many I can't
even tell recall, but I know for a fact since all of this started with the
drugs and with the struggles surrounding the drugs, so nearly 6 years I would
pray God help me, take this from me. He didn't. I wanted to say Amen and be
healed be better not to struggle anymore. I wanted immediate relief and after
repeatedly not receiving immediate relief I had gotten to the point where I
question and doubted was there even a God. Why hadn't he helped me, why didn't
he fix me, why wasn't I better? Yet now in looking back I can see the gradual
lessening of my burdens. I was no longer using, I was feeling so much stronger,
so much more whole, I was beginning to become the person I once was before I
allowed my world to fall apart subsequently leading up to addiction. Had our
Heavenly Father taken my burdens from me immediately what would I have gained
from that? I still would have denied the power and grace and love of God, I
would have taken the credit, it would have become an all about me "look
what I have done moment" Yet instead He was guiding my path to that point
where I would be willing and open to accept Him into my life and that I would
allow Him to gradually lift my burdens working on each layer each step. He
waited for 38 years until I was about ready to walk away from Him altogether to
use virtual strangers at a little league baseball game to touch my life and my
heart in such a way that I would seek Him in ways that I have never before.
I feel like addiction
recovery is similar to math. You start with the basics you have to learn to
count before you can do algebra you have to learn your shapes before you can do
geometry. A young child does not question why they are learning to count, or
learning what a circle is, they embrace it, it is new, it is exciting it is
knowledge. They have no idea that in the years to come these foundational
things, that they have learned, will be the basis of what they need for much
deeper more complex multi faceted step problems. As they begin to solve for x
and y and determine the radius of a circle there is no shame in remembering
that 2 comes before 3 and recognizing the shape of a circle. It is 2nd nature
it is not given another thought it has been carried with them from the
beginning. There is no humility in utilizing the foundation knowledge and
working step by step through the problem each component relying on the step
before. A person that can not count will have very little chance of algebra a
person with no concept of shapes will have very little chance of success in
geometry. It is a step by step learning process. The same is expected of us by
our Heavenly Father. He asks us to build on the steps we already have. He asks
us to humble out to trust that our knowledge of counting will one day become
algebra. Our burdens, the struggles an addict faces, when given the instant
relief mentality we have, isn't to work up from counting to algebra but rather
go from counting to calculus in a day. Humility comes from trusting Him, and
just like Alma allow the burdens we face to strengthen us, to prepare us, to
teach us patience.
Ha...how's this for instant relief I feel like I am never
going to get through step 3! I am only done with 3 of the questions in this
step...
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