Follow Your Own Arrow

I am tired and I have a strong suspicion I am getting sick. Blogging under these conditions is the equivalent of grocery shopping while hungry, you buy way more than necessary, in this case I may say more than necessary. However, I have never been known to mince words, you never really have to guess what I am thinking. When the Gru of all things blogging once again emailed me, asking if I would write a blog or two this week, I figured sure why not, because I have something I want to say, I have something that I feel I am not the only one out there battling.



Have you ever tired to fit a square peg into a round hole? No? Me either. But, I've heard the analogy plenty over the years and I often visualize it and think, well you could take the part that needs to go into the hole and you could carve it to fit the round hole you could smooth its edges and that part would fit nicely into the hole. In my mind the top part always remains square it is just the part that is going into the hole that becomes circular, but that square part is always still there, the peg never changed it was only shaped to fit in. I have always felt that I was a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. My entire life this is how I have felt, and it has always really bothered me, a lot, until today. I have always felt as if I was the one that was broken, the misfit, that something was wrong with me. However, today I am proudly embracing my square peg like self in this circular like society and I am at complete peace with me!




I have always been okay on my own. I have always been the absolute most at peace, happy, calm, and just overall fulfilled when I am by myself, or with my family. Even with my family, sometimes, I need a break to recharge my batteries, sometimes I need quiet and alone, and over the last year I have been okay with asking Roger to take the kids for a few hours or even a day or two so that I can regroup. I have learned to accept this and that in no way does it mean I am a bad mom or wife or that I don't love my family, but rather it is much the opposite. I can be a much better wife and mom when I am recharged. However, I somehow managed to figure this out with my family yet I have never embraced this when it comes to my relationships with others and societies ideals that we all need to belong to something much bigger than us. I have never accepted that I am different, and I have always tried to force myself to do otherwise. If you have known me for very long or have read my blog, over the course of the last several years, you have seen this 1st hand. I don't do anything half assed which includes trying to force myself to find that peace, happy, calm, and fulfillment through a sense of belonging either with people, organizations, religions, etc.




I hold very high expectations for myself, for my children, for my husband, even for my farm animals I don't settle. People have told me, don't hold expectations for others and you won't be disappointed. So once again I am shaving off a little more of that square peg to fit in the round hole? Why? I am not supposed to hold high expectations of others, I guess in theory that might work, but it doesn't work for me. There are things I expect from other people and I hold them to those expectations. Does this make me tough to get along with, absolutely! I know I am not easy to be friends with and yes this bothers me, but not for the reasons you may think. It bothers me because I feel like I am supposed to belong I am supposed to have all these friends I am supposed to have this desire to have more than what I do, when in reality, what I have is really all I long for. The more I try to belong, to fit in, the more I lose myself, the harder it becomes to reach that peace and calm, but I let it slide because I feel like I am supposed to be doing this. I am not supposed to be content being by myself or with my family. I am supposed to have this longing and this desire to have others in my life, so I force it. You can only force things for so long. You know those jeans you force yourself into and keep telling yourself it was the dryer that shrunk them, but you can't breath, forget about sitting down, and finally you say enough and take those bad boys off and slip into what fits you. That's what I'm talking about! I can fit myself into the jeans of society. I am not anti social, I am not a recluse, I am not overly socially awkward, but I can only keep those jeans on for so long before I have to slip into the yoga pants and I always felt guilty for wearing yoga pants when I needed to be crammed into tight jeans.


Women are some of the toughest creatures in the world, not only on ourselves but on each other. Today I encourage you to follow your own arrow wherever it points (this has become one of my favorite songs as of late). Love yourself! Embrace yourself. Cherish your uniqueness, cherish your quirks! Your mold is not broken because it is different than mine. Your sense of direction is not heading the wrong way because it's pointing down a path that is not similar to mine. Be you! The world needs you! I have tried so hard to fit in and belong my entire life, because that is what I felt I should do. However, I have had two freeing enlightening moments in my life, the first was 2 years 6 months and 3 days ago when I stopped tripping. When I walked away from cocaine, heroine and pills. The second was that moment when I decided my mold is not broken, I don't need to try to belong to something, anything, because society says I need to fit, when I realized I am enough, I am different than most people and that is okay. That moment when I decided to follow my arrow wherever it points, that moment when I decided to love my loner self and not to feel guilty for loving my loner self. When I embraced who I am, and realized that peace and happiness, I have had all along. Those two moments in my life are so freeing. My From Trippin' To Triathlons path has been all over the place but I love my quirky self and my mold is a unique shape as is yours! Love yourself, and follow that arrow wherever it points!