This weekend has been a bit of a farming challenge, we are having an excessive heat warning which means I have lost some of my best rabbits in spite of some serious measures put in place. I made the executive farmer decision the remaining rabbits would spend the weekend in their travel cages in my sons' bedroom. However, they were unappreciative of this life saving gesture and during their transfer used their razor blade like nails, on my arm, making me look like I'm in serious emotional distress, once again, and have taken up cutting. My hippy, animal loving, 9 year old felt sorry for the rabbits in small cages (as their normal outdoor cages are rather large) and put a rabbit on my couch to play with and it peed ALL OVER! Our chickens are on egg strike because of the weather yet they have no problem flying the coop (no pun intended) to still go into my garden to feast. The real kicker is we had our 1st and hopefully last major hay fire, the damage was minimal but it was a scary smoky mess for awhile. OH and let's not forget that the massive amounts of rain a couple of days before this heat has sent my goats into a bit of intestinal distress. They can now proudly boast, to their stall mates at the next goat show, that they shoot their liquid poop about 6 feet across the pen hitting everything and everyone in its path, including their herd queen, the hand that feeds them TWICE A DAY! As a result of this liquid messiness I decided it was time to deworm them all. My dodge ball skills were not in vain yesterday as I dodged liquid goat spray while administering oral dewormer. However, as if my farming adventures weren't enough, a goat jerked as I was plunging the medicine into her mouth planting 10cc of Ivomec square into my eye! For the love of all things medicinal that junk BURNS! I love my farm, I love my job, but sometimes it isn't for the faint of heart.
There are many choices we have in life, but I always try to laugh. I have always said if I lose my sense of humor, my ability to laugh, then I am done. In the darkest moments I knew if I could find something, one thing to find humor in, if I could laugh, even at my own lame sense of humor I was going to be okay. All I can do sometimes is tip my hat to the powers that be and have a good ol' belly laugh and move on. It appears that I have forgotten to laugh lately, I have taken my ventures into the conversion of Mormonism too seriously. I have taken my triathlon training too seriously (errr more like I have taken it too seriously that I am not taking it seriously enough). I have taken the busyness that is my life too seriously and I haven't stopped to just tip my hat and laugh at all that surrounds me. However, this weekend the reality that I am taking life way too seriously is weighing heavily on me and I need to stop trying to be something I'm not. I need to not be afraid to let others get to know me, the real me, the me that laughs her way through the crap (again no pun intended) in life. I have decided it is time to be me, not be something I am not. I give my all to everything and my all includes finding the humor in life. My all includes not apologizing for who I am and my all includes not taking life so serious! I need to let my hair down, so to speak, and be myself around those that are in my life. It is not my job to make people like me, but it is my job to allow them to get to know the real me, crazy lame humor and all. As I have opened my circle the last few months, I worried what will people think about me, rather than being okay with me.
Last night I opened my email and had a request from a new blog to publish a blog I wrote a couple of years ago. I agreed to let it be republished, however I wanted to edit it, so here is a revisited blog, edited, and written with a little bit more humor. Today, find something to laugh about. Find something within yourself, within your environment, within a book, tv, music, wherever, dare I say even at church (but probably not during sacrament I don't want to be held accountable for you laughing during sacrament!) Take a moment today to allow yourself a deep belly laugh. Humor can be found anywhere, regardless of your past, your labels, your addictions, your family life, your religion (I often think I will get in trouble from inappropriate laughter during church and one day I may but that's okay too see above do NOT laugh during sacrament!), your job situation, your triathlon training...you get my point...laughter truly is the best medicine. I am certain my goats were laughing at me last night and the misery they put my through, telling me take your own advice herd queen laughter is the best medicine!
I have every reason not to laugh, not to find humor in life. I am a bit of a savant when it comes to dates and today four years ago, I found myself being locked up, petitioned in, for many weeks. I could feel sorry for myself today, but I choose not to. I could sit here and think about my less than stellar childhood, the crappy choices I have made as adult, yet instead I choose to sit here and remember the days I laughed until I cried. I choose to look at my beautiful family and I choose to remember who I am. Today as you laugh, as you find humor in anything, I want you to remember who you are! You are more than a mental health label, you are more than an addiction, you are more than a struggle, a bad day, you are more than a spilled cup of coffee, and you are more than falling up the stairs. Today I choose to remember who I am, pooped on farmer and all!
I am a 38 year old stay at home mom of six incredible kids. I am the mom that waits with you at parent pick discussing the everyday happenings. I am the mom that volunteers at school functions, okay not many because I don't do the school scene very well. I am the mom that helps with her kids homework, school projects (science fair is a different story), and attends all of their events. I am the mom that you complimented today while in the store about how well behaved her children are, however you apparently missed the tantrum, moments before, from a four year old yelling, "I hate you all my life you aren't my mom I'm never huggling you again even at night even when I die you are an asshat!" I am the mom that sat across from you at parent teacher conferences and you told her how well adjusted, advanced, and fun her child is in your classroom, even when my son wrote on his beginning of the year paper that one of his favorite things to do is fart in class. I am the mom that sits next to you in the bleachers at baseball, in the gym for volleyball, I am the mom that is at cubscout meetings and is at every animal show, choir concert, and church function you can imagine. I am a wife that loves her husband unconditionally even when all I can do is look at him laugh and think FOOL you just lit my goat pen on fire! Although in his defense he was trying to help me clean out the pen (and he wants it known that only like 1/30 of my pen burned) Being that mom, that wife, wouldn't be possible without a bit of humor, because what can you do, laugh? cry? get mad?
I am a 38 year old educated woman. I totally did a mental high five last week at church when they were talking in relief society about the new education "commandment" DUDE this might be the only commandment I will master! I am the student that sat in your classroom earning two master's degrees before I was 28. I am the peer that helped you pass your classes in addition to doing my own work load. I am the teacher that taught your son/daughter in countless grades and multiple subjects. I am the softball coach that led your child's team to state finals. I am the teacher that you emailed or called anytime your child needed me regardless of it being school related or not. I am the administrator that advocated for your child and you as a parent working to come to a common ground. I am the administrator that came to your house to talk to your son/daughter because I truly cared about what was going on in their lives. I am the teacher that came home from personal vacations early to attend funerals, write letters of recommendations, to go with you to court, to sit in the waiting room with your while child was in surgery, and attend both yours and your son/daughter's college graduations. I am the special education advocate that did not view your child as a disability and fought countless hours for you and your child to have more than just a fair and appropriate education.
I am a 38 year old well rounded woman. I am the woman that stood next to you at the start of a 5k, 10k, half marathon, or triathlon. I am the woman that shouted cheers of encouragement as we passed each other or crossed the finish line together. I am the woman that you got in touch with to ask questions about gardening, animals, cooking, fitness, or nutrition. I am the woman that you asked to write a children's curriculum and devotional. I am the woman you sat next to at church, yes the one that has tattoos and piercings, could you see past that? I am the woman you asked to minister to others in need. I am the woman that you see at the gym, the library, the grocery store, the bank. I am the woman that you make small talk with just because I am there. I am the woman that stood in front of you and hundreds of others interpreting for the hearing impaired, because no else could do it. I am the woman that you shared that inside joke with because I have that ability to laugh!
I am a 38 year old woman that cares deeply about people. I am the woman that decided to be real, honest, and open about motherhood, being a wife, drug addiction, and having borderline personality disorder. I am the woman that opens not only my home and farm, but my heart and life to people I care about. I am the woman that you contact, even though I am a complete stranger, because you need to talk to someone that has been there and understands. I am the woman that you send messages to on facebook, to my phone, and via email because you just need to talk and don't know who else to turn to. I am the woman you call because you have a friend that is struggling and you don't know how to help. I am the woman that puts aside my own pride and fear to ease the pain and struggles of someone else. I am the woman that believes firmly everything has a purpose and a reason and I do my best to help you with your purpose and reason. I am the woman that believes that everything happens for a reason and to never waste the pain of my childhood or my adult life. I am the woman you turn to because you just need a good laugh and I am the woman that will never lose my ability to laugh.
I am a 38 year old woman that once was a cocaine, pill, and heroin addict. I am a woman that has been hospitalized as a result of drug overdoses, suicidal tendencies, raging, and self harm. I am a woman that often had inappropriate anger, wide mood swings, and feels things so intensely even I don't understand why. I am a 38 year old woman that has dug deep within myself to identify my triggers and to fight and push through them. I am a 38 year old woman that knows the importance of finding something to laugh about each day even in the darkest and crappiest (no pun intended) situations.
Hi I am Ryan a 38 year old woman that is so much more than a label. If I hadn't been open with you over the last five years you would not have ever known I had a label or was a drug addict. I am the face of labels and addiction. However, I am so much more, you are so much more! I no longer am tripping, but the struggle is real. It will always be real! I am real! Do not hide behind a fake smile some of this junk in life HURTS and SUCKS and to be honest is not on any level FAIR. However, find a reason in each day to smile! Remember who you are! You are different than me, this is who I am, but there is always a reason to laugh! Tip your hat today belly laugh, it's worth it I promise! Be you, laugh, (NOT during sacrament I will NOT be held accountable)
No comments:
Post a Comment