My own personal blog is titled From Trippin' To Triathlons. How does a person get from that point of trippin' to triathlons, without grace? It's a simple answer they can not. The end result of your trippin' may not be a triathlon, but you get my point how does anyone move from that place of trippin' without grace? According to an online dictionary the definition of grace is:
In Western Christian theology, grace has been defined, not as a created substance of any kind, but as "the love and mercy given to us by God because God desires us to have it, not because of anything we have done to earn it", "the condescension or benevolence shown by God toward the human race".
I can not remove the grace of God that radiates through my story of From Trippin' To Triathlons, nor will I try to, and I will explain the Christian grace that flows through my life in a moment. However, tonight, as you read this, I want you to fully understand something, yes there is grace from God, but there is also grace from your family, there is grace from your friends, there is grace from those you have wronged, there is a grace from those that you will share your story of this journey with down the line, but tonight if you hear (errr I mean read) nothing else I have to say I want you to capture this you can not accept the grace from any other entity until you have grace for yourself. Look at that definition I posted above. Even taking God out of the definition you MUST have love and mercy for yourself not because you have done anything to earn it, because we should desire to have grace on ourselves. Trust me on this, I know it's not easy! It's not easy for anyone, but it's not easy for those of us that have walked a dark and dangerous and unethical path of trippin'. Let's be real, until this week, I fully believed that I deserved that life. I deserved to feel like I was a messed up ball of junk that should not be afforded grace of any kind, I didn't deserve it.
Following a rather challenging couple of weeks, I decided I needed to visit my psychologist, last Monday. If you have read any of my blogs you know how I feel about this. Psychologist means messed up and until this appoint I had not voluntarily gone! However, I was not and am not messed up, it was similar to watching the odometer on my suburban and knowing that unless I want all hell to break loose, from a lack of routine maintenance, I had better take it into the shop for a tune up. I have more a friend relationship with my psychologist, than dr patient, we have been through a lot together, he gets me, I get him and I know when I need a tune up epic proportions he is my go to mechanic. I emailed Dr. Mike and said I'm coming in! After the usual few minutes of banter, politics, and me assuring him I am sober, and threatening to drop my shorts and take a pee test right there in his office if he asked me "Really?" one more time we got down to business. I shared with him all the amazing things going on in my life. My marriage, my kids, my farm, the I fact was training for an Ironman, I actually have friends and am letting people into my life, etc. I think in some way I was trying to sugar coat my visit. Then we start to talk, really talk, he asked me what are you so afraid of. I start off giving him the basic generic answers (I wrote a blog on that fear lately I'll spare you the details again) and he looked at me and said you're most afraid of letting other people get to know the real you, but more than that you feel like you don't deserve any of the good in your life. You still feel like that strung out ,going off the deep end, ball of problems person that sat in that chair 5 years ago. He grabbed my several inches thick file and said to me you aren't. You haven't even been in my office since March 2014 and I used to have to see you on court order twice a week for several months. The following sentence struck me, "Ryan, when will you forgive yourself? When will you believe that it's okay to have good in your life?"
I am 38 years old and for the 1st time ever I realized I need to give myself grace. Not because I deserve it, I made some pretty crappy decisions in my life. But, I need to give myself grace because until I can love myself have mercy on myself there is no way I can move forward, there is no way that trippin' won't have power over me. I may not snort cocaine anymore, I may not shoot up heroin, I may not swallow pills by the fist full, but until I can ascertain grace on myself the notion of trippin' still has power over me. Believe that tonight! Don't excuse the choices you made, don't deny you did some pretty messed up things, but providing yourself grace means that all those mistakes have an ultimate purpose instead of only bringing shame to your life. When you can let personal grace shine through all the cracks that a broken life produces you can then allow yourself to receive the grace from family, friends, those you have wronged, strangers you will share your story with, and in my case our Heavenly Father.
If you were to know me in real life, not only as a blogger that cranks stuff out to you a few times a week, you would know I have not always been real big on people. The reason I have not been real big on people is because I have not been real big on me. I wasn't willing to show myself grace I wasn't willing to like myself, I still saw myself as a product of many past mistakes. Yet, tonight as I type this and I reflect on all the people, that saw something in me, that was worthy of their grace, when I absolutely didn't deserve it I am in awe. If people I have hurt deeply, if people I have told off (often more than once) if people I have shunned, shut out, and pushed away stood by me and not once held past mistakes over my head, if these people found me worthy of love and mercy when I absolutely didn't deserve it, grace, then why shouldn't I afford myself the same.
I can not write about my journey From Trippin' To Triathlons without writing about the grace that comes from our Heavenly Father, believe me I tried. Oh don't get me wrong, there wasn't any magical heavenly dust tossed my way that made my struggle any less, any easier, and that didn't mean I had to put in the sweat, tears, grit, and down right hard work. However, it was by His grace that I was able to do that. This morning I received a text, rather early in the day, from Stacy saying she wasn't going to be in church. The thought really didn't even cross my mind not to go, I wanted to be there. The 2nd hour was about sacrifice, no not like 1st born child or animals on my farm sacrifice, but as people what do we sacrifice in our lives. See the paragraph above where I didn't think I deserved grace, I didn't think I was worthy to talk in church, so I kind of have sat back and soaked it all in. However, today, I had to break my vow of silence I had to speak, it was a small group and part of the lesson! As my turn to cut the paper and talk about what I had sacrificed was nearing, I had several things come to mind. I have lost several friendships as a result of me joining this church, but no that isn't really sacrifice. I have mostly stopped drinking coffee and tea (read that as mostly) but not that isn't sacrifice. I easily thought of the ladies that have walked this journey with me and I could tell you all they sacrificed to get me to this point, and that is only with me, these are amazing ladies that sacrifice all the time. Then it happened the lady next to me handed me the scissors and the paper and all eyes were on me. Vow of silence was about to be broken! Pride I had sacrificed my pride. I had to get open and vulnerable to learn and grow. However, in that moment little did I know that my thought of what I had sacrificed that laying down my pride, over the course of the last several months, would lead into an aha moment that I have been waiting for, longing for.
Relief Society, the last hour of my church, has been crazy hard the last few weeks. I swear if they talked about family one more time I was going to either implode or explode. However, as the lesson opened and the ladies began to speak about grace I fully realized the grace I had been given. I am not perfect, yet I am not expected to be, grace is what bridges that imperfection. The grace that our Heavenly Father afforded me is a grace that I can never fully wrap my head around, and one that truly humbles me out, one that doesn't leave room for egotistical pride. I walked out the door at 16 yet I continued to hold down a job, play sports, and graduated from high school receiving a full ride academic scholarship to college. It was through His grace this happened. My grandma was my world, I could write a book about her, not only a blog. However, my freshman year of college she was diagnosed with cancer. My world was rocked, my foundation was cracked, I was so angry lost hurt sad confused. I went to each appointment with her, I traveled the 4 hour round trip to spend only hours with her a couple of times a week, until she died. Yet I still held down 2 jobs and graduated from college, it was through God's grace I was able to do this. But, more than His grace through my growing up, more than His grace through the cracks in my foundation was the grace that He has shown me, my marriage, and my children.
There is absolutely no reason I am still married, except through the grace that my husband showed me and the grace that God put on our marriage. There is no reason that my kids are as amazing as they are. If you were to meet my babies you would never know that their momma spent 3 years trippin' that their momma was in and out of lock up, I have some of the most well rounded adjusted healthy kids you will ever meet. The grace of our Heavenly Father was so inner twined around my family I can't even begin to explain it. I am not so naïve to think that my actions did not impact them, because I know it did, however my actions did not knock them down! Why am I still alive, sitting here sharing my story with you all on a weekly basis? I should have been dead, there is no reason I survived, but by the grace of God. I liked drugs, especially cocaine, I liked them a lot, I was good at trippin'. It was through His grace that I not only walked away, but that I stayed away, and that my desire to return isn't there. Oh don't get me wrong there are days I think, why did I quit? But those moments are always followed up by the memories of why I quit! His grace is a powerful tool!
I will never forget my mistakes, nor do I want to forget them. My mistakes are a part of my journey, a journey that I walked ran push pulled climbed and fought through. However, my mistakes are covered in grace. They are covered in the grace of our Heavenly Father, they are covered in the grace of my husband, my children, my family, my friends, and they are covered in the grace that I give myself. This afternoon as I sat in church listening to others speak about grace I leaned over to an amazing and dear friend and told her, "I believe in never wasting grace." I was given this grace for a purpose, I didn't deserve it I didn't earn it, but I have it. This grace has turned my mistakes from a point of shame to a point of purpose! As you read this don't dwell on our mistakes, don't make excuses for the crappy choices you made, but rather look at your mistakes and see that grace. Maybe your grace came from a judge, a court, a family member, a friend, a stranger, a spouse, a child, but tonight I want you to allow yourself to accept grace in its entirety. Have grace on yourself, allow grace to turn your mistakes that once brought shame to a point of purpose. Don't waste the grace you have been given!
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