I Am A Voice

I have six kids, believe me I have seen my fair share of fits. I have seen them walk away quietly, but shooting daggers behind squinted eyelids with each step. I have watched them throw themselves on the floor kicking, screaming, and crying. I have suppressed giggles as they stomped loudly to their bedrooms telling me that I am not their mom, they will never "huggle" me again for the rest of their life even when I die. I have held my ground when they decided to go toe to toe with their momma and see just how far they could walk the line before the defiance and disrespect landed them in parells of punishment. Although, I can't say I have experienced or seen it all with them, I can confidently say I know what defiance looks like and I know what a temper tantrum in the making resembles and that my friends is me right now. I have fought writing this blog for nearly three weeks, I have dug my heels in and refused, I have stomped away pissed off, and I have shot daggers at my keyboard, however, this morning here I sit, computer, mind, and heart open about ready to pour myself out to you. Today, I don't have any deep nuggets of wisdom or insight, the analogies aren't creative or classy, today you get my heart.


I am so many things, I am a wife, a mom, a sister, a daughter, a niece, a cousin, an aunt, a triathlete, a farmer, a teacher, a writer, a recovering addict, a fighter, and a survivor! I am strong willed, stubborn, compassionate, tough, smart, quick witted, determined and I have BPD. I would much rather sit down and blog to you about my kids, my farm, my journey to competing in my 1st Ironman Triathlon, and even about my recovering addictions to cocaine, heroin, and pills. Today I need to take it to another level, I need to write to you about having BPD. Normally I type super fast, my fingers fly across my keyboard, pounding out a blog in only moments, however today, they recoil at the thought of the words I am about to pour out to you. Hiding behind the medium of my keyboard, talking about the detailed personal struggles of my life, with strangers, is really not a big deal, it isn't hard for me. Except I sometimes share what I write for you all in my own personal blog and occasionally put them on my FB page, this is one of those times and that is what is hard. Today, I need the world, strangers and friends alike, to know BPD isn't a death sentence, it sucks, it hurts, and it pisses me off, but it isn't the end all!


I have had a hard few weeks, probably some of the most challenging I have had in many years. Had the likes of these last few weeks occurred a couple of years ago I would have ran straight back to old comforts, cocaine, heroin and pills. In fact, yesterday, I mentioned to a very close friend of mine, who knows all of my struggles, I wished I could take anti anxiety medication, that is how tough these weeks have been. However, I can't. I can't because it is anxiety meds that started me on the journey of trippin' and I choose to not go down that path ever again. I've got this! I've always got it, but sometimes it would be nice to not always have to fight the fight. I'll admit I get resentful and jealous of those that choose to not fight. I get resentful and jealous of those that continue to use drugs to feel better, yes I know it's only temporary, but it's a familiar and it does temporarily work. I get resentful and jealous of people that choose to give into the struggles that are associated with BPD, when they don't dig out their big girl panties, but rather wave the white flag of surrender and take a time out. I get resentful and jealous mostly of people that don't have this struggle. OH don't get me wrong, I know everyone struggles with something, and if they tell you they don't, I'll show you a liar!So, I'll say it, I've struggled hard and bad the last few weeks, but no one would know, unless I told them, because I hide my struggles, I fight my battles alone, and really I told no one. Why? Pride! Fear! Embarrassment! Shame! What will others think! I'm supposed to be cured! Look at all I've overcome! Judgment! Vulnerability! Regret! Really, how does one talk about it, how does one bring it up? I look at the people in my life, those that will over react and panic (my mom, my ex husband) those that will worry too much when in reality it isn't a big deal (my husband) those that will think here we go again I've heard this before (friends that have been with me from the start) those that will think what have I gotten myself into I don't need/want her in my life (new friends, people at church, parents at my kids' school, etc) and complete strangers that will think I am crazy. When I see the camps I've divided people into I make the decision I will not talk about this, I will not discuss BPD, I will not put myself out there. Until that moment, I do, it's always when it passes that I can talk about it in past tense, like right now. However, I am different than most, I keep on keeping on, regardless, always!


Last night, my kiddos had gone to bed, my husband is out of state working, and I was scanning the likes of social media. Let me simply say social media is a crappy place to be for a person with BPD. I am at the phase in my life that I recognize triggers and will walk away from them most of the time, and social media is a huge trigger for me. It is a fine line! As I was scanning facebook, while watching teen mom (ha yes I'm 38 and yes I know it's trash tv but still!) I read a post that someone in my family put up. There are these meme that were created titled BPD things, and she had posted one. I read it, but tend to not comment on her posts as they are set to public and the world can read what I had to say. However, the 1st two comments were asking what BPD was. I fully take for granted that people know or don't know what it is, because it is a part of my life I just assume everyone knows. The instant misconstrued idea was that it is bipolar, it is NOT! The comments continued, I posted, against my better judgment, and I realized just how misinformed people are regarding BPD. I am not a monster, I don't have five heads, I am not crazy.


Suffering from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) means I experience difficulty with intense emotions, to explain it a little further, I get completely dysregulated and nervous system activated, from those upsetting things that others can easily bounce back from and continue on with their day. Sometimes, even minor stressors can cause me to feel like I'm about to derail. However, I don't! I keep on keeping on and because derailing is not something I allow to be an option for me. Since I don't share the struggles of this the fight it is that much harder and lasts that much longer. As much as I say I am not a sensitive person, I am one of the most sensitive people you will ever know. I do not cry easily, I rarely cry at all, so that is how I justify saying I am not a sensitive person. However, I am sensitive. I am always very hyper aware of the dangers around me, whether I am conscious of it or not. This is especially  true in regards to how sensitive I am and how others will react to my sensitivity. Even though I KNOW in my mind, innocent things, are truly innocent, because I feel so emotionally sensitive I am always waiting for people to have enough of me and leave. This is where my flight or fight, nervous system activation, comes into play and for me it has been going strong for about 6 weeks now. I either run or I open a can of serious whoop ass and fight.


Last night as I read the comment on my cousin's post, from some guy I hope to meet face to face and show him people with BPD are okay people, my heart broke for my cousin and then my other cousin that posted. I know what it is like to live this way, to feel this way, and I want to protect them. I want to take it away. I'm the oldest cousin, let me carry it all for them, I've already worked my way through it, I don't want them to be where I was five years ago. As I felt this way, as I read what they wrote, as I read what their uneducated friends wrote, a thought I had tried to push out for so long came to the forefront. I need a support system of people I can trust with the good, the bad, the ugly. I need a support system of people I can be blunt and honest with that I can trust aren't going to take off running when they realize I'm not perfect, when they realize I struggle, when they see I feel things more than most. I used to have that, but right now I don't, and I realized how much I need this, how much I miss this. As I realized if this is what I need, if this is what I am afraid to ask of people, then how many more people, with a BPD diagnosis, need this same support system in their recovery, need this same level of trust that people aren't going to take off on them. This morning, I have vowed I will not back down! I will be that honest voice of what it is like to live with BPD, I will be that advocate that puts into place support systems because no one EVER should have to fight this alone no matter how dark and dirty and nasty it gets! BPD is not a death sentence, although admittedly it feels like one and more than once it almost literally was my death sentence. I have lost some of my closest friends I thought would never go which makes that ability to trust and develop a support system even more challenging. I have kept my struggles internalized because I don't want to be judged, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to have to answer 1000 questions. However, those struggling deserve a voice from someone that UNDERSTANDS, those struggling deserve a support system. Those that don't have BPD, don't know what it is, don't know how to be a support system deserve to have the opportunity to learn, to be given that choice to walk shoulder to shoulder with someone on their journey. I will show you how to be that support system to ask for those to be in your support system.


I have been told by a few different people, over the course of the last couple months, I am right beside you I will hold your hand every step of the way, I have been told I am here to walk shoulder to shoulder with you, I will love you through this. I always think, yeah right, if you only knew, what are your conditions for this support and love? But, what if they knew? What if I was honest? What if I allowed others the opportunity to know me, all of me? I'm not a bad person, I just have junk in my trunk! What if because of my pride I am depriving someone else the opportunity to know who I am, to see the hope of recovery from BPD, from addiction, from a past that was murky? As hard as it is for me to do, I have made the decision I am going to allow people to know me and I have to be okay with the fact they very well can take off running. However, I have BPD, I can't make that fact go away, but what I can do is not waste the pain. I can share it so that others find hope, so that others don't fight alone, so that others can have a support system that I often rob myself of. I have gone through all I have gone through for a reason, and I feel that reason is to bring light into the darkness of BPD, it so misconstrued, people are so unaware of what it truly is.


To be completely honest my struggles these last couple of months have been from vulnerability, they have been from letting new people into my life, it has been from so many unknowns and major life changes. I have become angry with myself, I have thought how stupid I am for thinking I can have friends, for thinking I can be a part of a community, thinking you idiot look what you have done I have triggered myself. However, I am not stupid, I am not an idiot, it will be worth it, and I may have triggered myself but I kept on keeping on. I am like everyone else, I want friends, I deserve to have friends, I want to belong to a deeper community, I deserve to belong to a deeper community. Everyone does, even those with BPD. I am so hesitant to talk about having BPD, especially with people that haven't known me for long, with people that haven't watched me walk this path, and that is because of how "we" are portrayed in the media. My story isn't gruesome, it isn't ugly, it isn't scary. My story is a story of hope! For awhile now I felt I couldn't talk about BPD anymore, that it was old news that I had moved on. However, when looking at the emotional vulnerability I have put myself these last couple months for the sake of growth, healing, and change, I found some compassion for myself in there as well. The anxiety I whined to a friend about yesterday, wanting to take a pill for, I realized was there because I have been so vulnerable. I often feel like who am I to talk about my struggles, my recovery, with you all when every day I still have to keep on keeping on, I still have to fight the good fight. But, last night I realized, that is exactly who I am! I am real! I am honest! I am willing to share my difficulties while continuing to work on my own growth and healing. When I post this I am very aware of the fact that the people in my life new and those that have been around for awhile can very well pack up and go and that is their choice, one I will respect. However, I choose not to remain silent a moment longer. I choose to not tell my story in the past tense any longer. I choose to be a voice for those in throngs of BPD, I choose to be a voice for those that need a support system, I choose to be a voice for those without BPD that are a part of a support system for someone that is. I choose to be a voice for the public at large, it is not their fault they only know of BPD from the medias portrayal. I choose to be a voice to those that have never heard about BPD and are scratching their heads wondering what in the heck I am talking about.


Often for me sharing my feelings leaves me feeling empty and with even more self-doubt and anger than if I had just kept my mouth shut in the 1st place. However, I will always fight the good fight, I will always keep on keeping on, therefore if sharing my feelings bring forth anger, self-doubt, and emptiness but bring others an understanding, peace, hope, and most of all a support system that is strong and solid it is worth. To you I say keep on keeping on you are not alone!