Choices! Choices! Choices!

Those of you that have followed my journey know what an up and down battle life has been. I never planned on being a guest blogger, ever. My journey was going to be mine and I might share it with some close friends. However, I learned when I am able to hide behind my computer screen pounding my thoughts, feelings, emotions out onto my keyboard my life essentially becomes an open book. I tell you things I would never or could never say face to face. However, once it is written, published, and posted for the world to see the walls I hide behind are removed. I no longer fear talking about what has been written. Essentially, blogging has not only been a healing forum it has been my way of letting those around me into my life. This blog takes this "open bookness" to a completely different level. You all get to share this trippin' to triathlon journey with me and it's about to go up a level!!

 Will Power. Will Power! Will Power? Over the course of the last 38 years I have repeatedly blurted out the statements, "I have no will power." or better yet, "Check out the will power I had in situation xyz." This can not be true. There is no such thing as will power. I have, and make, a choice every time I engage in behaviors self destructive or safe. Life is built purely on choices, not will power. Even while in the midst of my trippin' hoopla I still had choices and this is where I shall begin, with my choices.

The word choices is not said half-assed referring to the choice between Pepsi or Dr. Pepper. Anyone that knows anything about me me fully understands this is not a choice, DUH Dr. Pepper hands down! Okay, but in all seriousness I am talking about some deep down gut check choices that I have made. I chose to not seek out help from the doctors, placed in my life, regarding my issues instead I chose to utilize marijuana. I chose to not use the prescribed amount of medications, meant to help me, but rather took most of them at very high over dosing levels. I chose to give into rage and essentially said screw you to the sheriff that sited me for the marijuana and sought out a harder street drug, cocaine. I chose to up the dangerous thrill seeking behavior of the drugs and I turned to heroin. I chose to eat copulas amounts of junk watching my weight balloon back up to an all time high. I chose to not engage in any physical activity because I chose to believe I did not deserve to be mentally and/or physically healthy.

I am not bragging myself up but to understand further the choices that were made, I want to say I am a highly intelligent person both book wise and street wise. I am not naive or unaware of what the world holds. As a result of this I am fully honed in on my choices and what they held for my life. The further I stepped into the realm of poor choices the more I withdrew and allowed this life sucking bubble to form around me. This bubble was essentially a self esteem suffocating, motivation smoldering, inward focused vortex. As I lived my life in this bubble I developed a new realm of thinking, one that I had not previously accepted or ascertained. I started to view myself as messed up, feeling that there was no hope, if others truly got to know me they would want nothing to do with me, and this is how I would always be. I made the choice to feel and think this way. The few people around me that knew I was thinking and feeling this way tried to tell me otherwise but I chose to engage in "my life is over as I have known it" thinking. I chose to believe there was no way out, this was my new life. Why eat healthy, it wouldn't matter anyway? Why go to the gym, mentally I was not healthy so why should the physical be any different? Why should I continue to try to live a socially acceptable life when I withdrew from society and chose to believe there was no place out there for me to fit in?

The thought of being around other people, especially in a large group setting, was so overwhelming that I chose to just not. I chose to not employ the coping skills strategies that I am familiar with and have utilized all my life. Rather I chose to self isolate. I chose to only make public appearances when necessary. I chose to give up the things I once looked forward to. I chose to give up the social aspects of who I was. I stopped attending my kiddos' school functions, I would only attend church on occasion, when invited to do activities with other families I had a massive list of excuses that I could choose from. The idea of meeting new people or engaging in activities that held the potential of making me look stupid or silly were absolutely out of the question. As I made the choices my self esteem plummeted and I soon chose to fully and completely believe these lies I had built up in my mind.

At this rock bottom of self esteem woe is me syndrome I made the choice to find something, anything, that could give me the glimpse of the person I once was. The person I chose to believe would be no more. On an impulsive whim I purchased what would be my 1st of many rocks of cocaine. I tried it a couple times and instantly felt energized, not afraid, I was talkative again, I wanted to be around people, the fear of looking stupid was gone, and I felt that I could take on the world. I felt like Ryan again, the one I chose to let walk away two years prior. However, a couple of hits snorting a few lines a couple of times a week wasn't enough. I couldn't let this person that I could become slip away again. Not now, not ever! My couple of times a week habit quickly became a couple of times a day habit. Each time I used I chose to use. I chose to give into the cravings, I chose to give into the mental and physical desires that come from using. Within short order these couple times a day habit became a couple of times an hour. As I would walk out of the bathroom, I chose to look at the clock on the nightstand to see what time it was so that within exactly 30 minutes I could go back in and use again. I chose to use anytime I needed to be around people, I chose to not quit, I chose to let this become a part of the new me. I chose to believe this was the magic powder that would pop the bubble that formed around me, the bubble I was living in.

I chose to keep telling the very very few people that knew I was using I will quit after such and such event, I just need it to make it through. However, as each time frame would pass I chose to come up with another excuse as to why I need to keep going. Finally I was given the choice to quit or essentially lose all that mattered to me. I chose to quit. Each day I chose to harbor resentment, I chose to hang onto the hope that one day I would use again, I chose to believe I needed this drug. I chose to pick up the phone and call the individual I bought from hoping and yes even praying, I do mean praying to God that He would let this person answer on the other end. However, this person ran into some legal issues and moved away. I still chose to hang onto the belief that I needed cocaine and one day I would find it again.

As I walked away from the cocaine it sent me further and further into this bubble. I would look at myself in the mirror and not recognize me, who was I? Who had I chose to become as a result of my behaviors? Exactly 10 weeks after walking away from cocaine, on the time I swore I was forever done, it was presented to me again. I did not go looking for it but in the weeks prior I chose to taunt God surrounding my drug usage and He chose to give me that free will the ability to make my own choices. With very little hesitation I jumped back onto the drug wagon. It was with minimal hesitation that I chose to allow myself to reminisce on the feelings I held while using cocaine. I allowed my mind to speculate what would I really feel like if I mixed the natural high of life I was feeling now with the high of cocaine. I could not wait to find out, I was going to be on top of the world, blah who am I kidding I had visions of ruling the world! Soon one hit turned into two which turned into three which turned into about 15 hits of 6 or more lines a day. I chose to live my life high on cocaine. However, I did not have the results that I envisioned. I wasn't ruling the world I was barely functioning in it. My body was so high it couldn't handle anymore. I made the choice though to keep on doing it. I made the choice to bribe myself, "Okay, Ryan if you will only use once today and none tomorrow you don't have a problem and can keep on using it" However, this is where I would play with will power. I believed I had no will power. The second my eyes popped open in the morning I was fighting the do I or don't I use battle. Every single day I made the choice to use and thus the entire day was spent snorting.


May 16, 2013 I made one of the biggest choices of my trippin' journey I walked away from cocaine for what I believe to be the true forever. Today, I made another huge choice in my journey a choice that is so hard to talk about, but one that I know I need accountability from friends and strangers alike. A couple of weeks ago I started to have this nagging feeling that although I quit the drugs that is the only choice I made regarding my addiction. I am still an addict, a sober one, but an addict. I fight daily with addict thoughts and behaviors. It was during these last two weeks that I have fully begun to see that being an addict is so much more than the act of using the drugs. I made the choice to quit using, I did it on my own, because I knew that was my choice no one could do it for me. I also have made the choice to think, "I am not like one of them" "I am sober I am no longer in need of support" But, here's the thing, I am an addict. I am no better than anyone else! Because I made the choice to quit doesn't take away the blaring reality I am an addict and I have done nothing to rectify this. I have made the most difficult decision in my trippin to triathlon journey. I have made the choice I am going to finish what I started! Last night I sat down and pulled up a series of videos my church has put out on addiction and the layers to addiction, as I sat there watching them thinking yep that's me oh what that's me too, yeah and oh yep that's me some more, I realized that healing must take place at each level. This is going to take a crazy amount of time and it is going to be a helluva lotta work, but I have made the decision I am going to work through each of the layers of an addiction. I made the choice that I am going to cross that finish line of trippin' to triathlons. I have made the choice to meet with the couple in my church that facilitates the addiction recovery program, I have made the choice that I want to hear what this program is about, and I have made the choice that I am going to attend these recovery meetings and finish this journey. I have made the choice to accept the fact that sobriety is only a piece of the addiction puzzle. Oh don't get me wrong I am not down playing the sobriety component it is huge! But, I am making the choice for myself, my family, to humble out and to finish what I started 2 years 3 months and 24 days ago. I share this with you tonight to empower you to make the choices in your life, big or small, easy or hard. Life isn't will power life is choices.