Whatever You Do Not Panic...Too late Panicked!

Is there something you are scared of? I don't mean a little scared, I mean the kind of fear that makes you want to head the other way so fast your feet don't even touch the ground. Snakes? Nah I can handle them, I don't like them but I can hold my own. Spiders? UGH! Where I live a fear of spiders kind of gets you no where. It's nothing that a can of insect killer and one of Roger's size 12 shoes can't handle. (Yes, by can I mean the entire can! I didn't say I let those suckers live!) Heights? Okay we are getting closer, it's not the going up that gets me it's the coming down. I try to avoid heights at all cost, however I still can muster up the courage to climb onto the roof when it's 110 degrees outside and the cooler needs a little TLC. Tight spaces? Now we are getting somewhere! And although this isn't that true irrational fear that I am asking you to think about this is the kind of fear that leads into mine, I hate tight spaces! I hate feeling trapped. When I was a kid my dad used to play this "game" where he would cover my nose and mouth with his hands, or a pillow, until I couldn't breath and would start to panic. Then of course he would laugh and think it was funny and would continue even longer. That kind of panic wasn't something I could control and yet it always left me feeling vulnerable and each time it happened I told myself do not panic, whatever you do don't panic, too late panicked! There is my true deep fear, can I run the other way not let me feet touch the ground while I am getting the hell out of dodge kind of fear, vulnerability. I feel like when I am vulnerable I am weak, exposed, and I am standing before you naked. (Ha you're welcome for keeping the actual physical clothes on! I am still battling the bulge of weight from trippin' to triathlons) Right now I find myself in the midst of that vulnerability and I feel like my mouth and nose are being covered and I keep telling myself do not panic, whatever you do not panic, too late panicked. It is in these moments of feeling like my face is being covered and I'm panicking and my vulnerability is exposed that I fear those that see these glimpses of vulnerability are going to just laugh, think it's funny and hold me under it even longer.


To most this will seem so silly, so lame, so why does it even matter, and I wish I could say to you, check this it doesn't matter, but it does. I had to send my coach an email last week and tell her I don't think I'm going to be ready to race my HIM in October. I told her I didn't want to cancel it just postpone it, transfer it to another race. This left me feeling like I wasn't enough of a triathlete, something that if you have read some of my blogs you know I struggle with every single day I train. Of course Coach Kitty was so kind, so understanding, so compassionate and she agreed with me. I didn't quit, although prior to sending her that email, I had written her the I QUIT message in my mind. But, I knew I didn't want to quit. My training has blown! It's my own fault, my plate is way too full, my kids are out of school, my husband is out of state, it's hotter than hell in Southern AZ in the summer, my laundry list of excuses are a mile long, but my training was not what it should be for someone that is 65 lbs overweight and training for a half ironman triathlon. It was in that moment that I had to send my coach an email, I had to be vulnerable, I had to trust that she wouldn't let that moment of vulnerability define who I was as a triathlete with her. I had to trust that my vulnerability was safe with her which was not something that is easy for me. My initial thought was, just stop working out, stop logging into Training Peaks, just stop. However, that's what I always do when I feel vulnerable, I panic, I stop, I ignore, and I run the other direction. I have come too far, I have established a trust too deep, and I want this too badly to take the irrational panic Ryan mode way out of things.


A little over a month ago I messed up and I messed up terribly. I tend to not have a filter and when I am worried, angry, or hurt I say some pretty harsh and cruel things often to people that I care about and love deeply. I did this with my sister while I was home this summer. I'll spare you the details, but to say I messed up is pretty much down playing the situation. My mom asked me when I was going to make it right, I told her I don't know, but I won't let her birthday go by without wishing her a happy birthday. Wyoming and Arizona are currently an hour apart and as the clock moved to 11:00 pm on July 12 and midnight on July 13 in Wyoming, I knew it was time, I knew I had to show my vulnerability. I didn't know what I was going to say, there's nothing to say. I knew that I was about to be completely vulnerable and at my sister's mercy. As I was typing a text to my sister telling her happy birthday, I loved her, I missed her, and I was sorry I kept telling myself, don't panic, whatever you do don't panic, too late panicked. I hit send on that text leaving myself vulnerable and knowing that my sister had every right to not even read the text I sent. I had to know that this is a time that putting my vulnerability out there my sister had all the reason in the world to see me panicking and to just let it happen. However, my sister not only read my text full of raw emotion and vulnerability, she replied a few moments later. She said I don't even know what to say, Ryan. It's okay seester you don't have to say anything Happy Birthday. As I put my phone away for the night I still felt myself trying to squirm out from the hands of vulnerability covering my face, expecting that I may very well never hear from her again. But, my sister showed me the ultimate compassion, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. She sent me pictures of her birthday party, she sent me pictures of her new puppy, we have texted a few times each day this week. I was terrified to send that text, I felt vulnerable, I wanted to stop, to ignore, to run the other direction, but my sister is the one that has always been there for me, I needed to expose some vulnerability and try and fix this.


What is that saying bad things happen in three? Well apparently that rings true for my vulnerability it had to happen in three! Seriously! AS IF! I think one was more than enough!! I have decided to do a complete religion upheaval in my life and very possibly convert to a religion that is one I absolutely never considered, one that I even made fun of, one that I never ever thought would be me! However, so much has happened within the course of these last 8 weeks that has caused me to really do an about face to study out, learn about, talk about, investigate, ask questions of, get pissed off at, fall in love with, want to embrace, want to kick to the curb...you get my point! Religion alone isn't truly a personal topic, it is one's beliefs that are personal to them. My entire life I have felt like I am not enough to have any kind of well rooted belief system, until these last few weeks when that has begun to change. However, as this transition has formulated I realized how rough around the edges I am. I have begun to see how much baggage I carry. I had to make a very hard decision. I had to decide if I was going to humble out, if I was going to allow my vulnerability to show, or if I was going to keep doing things the way I have always done things. I told myself do not panic, whatever you do not panic, too late panicked! I had to show my vulnerability to a group of people, in a church that I wanted to see me as enough. I wanted to come before these people, this church with my problems solved, with my junk cleaned out, with my rough edges polished, I wanted to come before these new friends in my life in perfect condition. I didn't want to come to them As Is, yet I chose to let my As Is condition show. I made the decision to let them see my cracked foundation, my damage caused by some pretty rough storms that passed through my life, I chose to show them the real me. I chose to trust that as they saw me panic under my exposed vulnerability they wouldn't stand by and laugh and keep me there even longer. Instead it was very much the opposite. It was a grace and compassion that I was not prepared for. It was a moment of let me help remove that pillow from your face, because I want to know what is behind it. It was a moment of show me more of your vulnerability, not so that it could be held over my head or against me, but rather, put it all out here because together we are going to work through it. It was a moment of I am not going to let you stop, ignore, or run. It was a moment of talk to me, tell me more, not because I want to know for personal gain but because you are enough and your vulnerability is safe.


Even after my trifecta this week I absolutely am still afraid of vulnerability, I still feel like I am being trapped and smothered by it, I still expect people to stand by and laugh at my panic through vulnerability and to hold me there even longer. But, at the same time that terror has slowly began to lose its grip. I have choices in my life, I can let that one thing that terrifies me, vulnerability, keep me from being the best me that I can be or I can embrace the fact that it's only temporary and the benefits for myself and my family are well worth facing it. I don't expect that in a month from now the raw open wounds from vulnerability will still be as raw and as open, but I expect they will still be there. Here's a little analogy: No matter how many times I see a spider they always cause me to jump back in fear and maybe let out a little girl scream, but I know the situation must be dealt with. I find my big girl panties, a can of bug spray and Roger's size 12 shoe and I deal with what is before me. I hope like anything that while I'm gathering my problem solving supplies the spider doesn't run and hide causing me to go on a hunt before I can properly handle it. This is no different than my vulnerability. There are going to be times it jumps out of nowhere and causes me to let out a little girl scream and there are going to be times I watch it creeping across the floor while I set up my plan of attack. Regardless of the method in which my vulnerability appears, I feel now that it is at least safe to be vulnerable. I feel that it is so much easier to handle vulnerability up front rather than letting it run off into a corner where it can make a nasty web and multiply with nasty little babies causing the situation to be much bigger than when the spider was in the open where I could handle it properly. So many times over the course of this last week I have felt like I was not enough, I felt panicked, I felt vulnerable, and I felt like the only solution was to stop, ignore it, run! However, this time was different, I allowed myself some vulnerability, I allowed myself to trust those around me that they wouldn't laugh at my panic that comes from this vulnerability. I am determined to change! I am determined to grow! I am determined to be the best me I can be! It's going to take a lot of bug spray, big panties, and size 12 shoes, but one day I will look back on these moments and I will hopefully say it was worth it!