Sorry Not Sorry Oh Wait I Am Really Sorry!

In October I shut down my other personal blog, the one that discussed the ups and downs of traversing a mental health issue. I knew that I was going to be focusing the majority of my blogs on going from trippin' to triathlons. I knew a whole new group of people were going to be reading them, some of these people I wasn't too excited to learn about the fact that not only was I a recovering addict but that I had also traveled a rather dark mental health journey in the not so distant past including hospitalizations and court orders. I was determined that I was not going to blog about mental health ever again, unless it was a sentence or two in a light hearted and fun way while discussing trippin' and triathlons. However, yesterday as I loaded up the suburban, with my six kiddos, I heard on the tv what had happened in SC and I felt that pit in my stomach churn. My heart not only broke for the victims, their families, and the community, but my heart broke for those walking the journey of mental health. I wasn't going to take a stand I wasn't going to be a voice for those that didn't feel they had one, I was simply going to drive my 1200 miles home in a suburban full of chaos and country music. Yet, when we stopped for the night and I pulled up my email I had an email from your Gru asking if I could tell my story, if I could offer comfort and hope, if I had anything I could say. SIGH! Really!?! NO! I have parents from baseball on here, I have triathlete friends on here, I have teachers from my kids' school on here, I have friends I have met through rabbits and goats, people I haven't shared this with. I was digging my feet in, no way! Even the menial monetary compensation wasn't going to persuade me, I had struggled enough the last two weeks with the reminders of my mental health journey NO! Then on about the 3rd pee stop this morning I was scanning facebook and saw a most offensive post, the kind that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and dammit I knew it was time for me to swallow my pride, my embarrassment, and share my story and maybe my journey can offer someone some hope. So to you my mental health minions, I am joining ranks with your Gru, and I am about to show you what I am made of. I don't have any words of comfort, I don't have any words of hope, I just want you, through me, to see that some days are better than others and to never give up. It is absolutely possible to struggle and be more than okay!


A couple of years a go I wrote a blog titled I Am Me. The reason I wrote this is I so fear (read the next paragraph about my OCD fears) that when others will learn I have mental health struggles this is how they will view me. That I will lose friends, I will shame my family, I will no longer be viewed as a wife, mom, friend, triathlete, or a farmer. That instead I will be viewed with this huge mental health stigma. I fought getting the help I needed for so long because I told myself I am above this I am better than this I am not "one of them." I have two masters degrees, one bachelors degree, one associates, a boat load of certifications, my IQ is high enough to allow me to be apart of the illusive Mensa organization, I run a farm, I have a happy marriage, I am a mom to 6 yes SIX amazing kids, I am not your poster child for mental health struggles. I can't have this I am better than this. So ya' see even amongst the world of people struggling with mental health issues there is a stigma, we I mean me, never want to be grouped with  those individuals that bring mental health to the forefront of every news station across the country.


I have two official labels errrr I mean diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and OCD. My OCD is not the traditional kind that so many are familiar with and or toss around without any thought to the ramifications of such verbiage. My OCD is more of a thought process OCD in that I obsess about the possibility of failure and do anything I possibly can to avoid failing in a situation. This failure often shows in two forms I will either go balls to the wall and will accept nothing but perfection from myself or I will self sabotage so I can neither succeed or fail. However, my main issue is BPD and even in typing that I feel like I have to say hold on not everyone with BPD is like Jody Arias. I know I am not! BPD is an emotional deregulation disorder. I can google all the definitions and terms and criteria but if you want to know that you can also, instead I am going to tell you what BPD looks in my life and how timely this blog is for me to write. There is no cure for BPD, however it is not a chemical imbalance in the brain such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia etc. There is no need for me personally, although many do so DO not take that statement as means in which to go off meds, to take medication. I worked and fought hard for a very long time to no longer meet the criteria for BPD and when this happened I thought HALLELUJAH I will never struggle again, however that isn't the case, I still struggle. It just isn't as intense, as crippling, as long lasting. I have very much become aware of my triggers and even in this close awareness of my triggers it doesn't mean that I can't still be triggered. Here is how BPD has manifested in my life the last couple weeks:




I have had a huge crisis in faith lately, for probably about six months. Crisis in faith to the point I wondered is there a God, and if there is a God how do I believe in all these things that are kind of out there? Ya' know like a statement I read at Easter that said the Jesus apocalypse and I haven't been able to shake it since. I was in a very big agnostic mindset and leaning heavily toward an atheist view point. But, I kept thinking to myself, what if I am wrong? What if I lead my kids in the wrong direction (you know the OCD mentioned above) During my son's spring baseball season I allowed myself to sort of get to know some of the moms. Nothing more than a hey how's it going, talking school talk, and of course the usual baseball banter. In the midst of one of these games one of the moms made the simple comment, "Coach is so quiet at church he gets fired up on the field." That was it end of statement. So many people mention church in passing, I couldn't tell you who they are or what they said, but her comment stuck! Weeks later I kept thinking you should ask Stacy about her faith you should ask her about God. Puhleeze WHATEVAH I don't know her! One day while driving into town (yes I totally texted and drove this one) I grabbed my phone off the seat and sent her a message and pretty much said so tell me about your faith tell me about your belief in God. AND I SENT IT! The second I did I wished I hadn't and then I thought maybe she won't answer...she read it, she answered. We have spent countless hours talking faith, God, church, religion, and in the midst of that I shared with her my trippin' days and of course quickly followed up with the triathlon part, and the door had been opened. Two days after her and I began talking and talking A LOT (oh wait I mean messaging because for those of you that do know me I am not a talker) I headed up to Wyoming to spend time with my family.


Under "normal" circumstances heading to my hometown is stressful for me. I don't really feel like I belong that I am welcome, accepted, or that my family can see past the struggles and the trippin' and just love me for me. However, this time was a bit abnormal. My step dad was in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs, I had planned a three day weekend at the lake with my dad, step mom, and kids (it had been five years since my dad had seen my kids and he had never met my youngest two), my grandpa with whom I love so much was recovering from a major life altering surgery. I was stressed out about the trip, I was extremely anxious that I had begun talking about my life with Stacy, I was trying to figure out this God thing, and my relationship with my bestie was shot to hell. For a person with BPD anyone of those things can flatten you, send you into a cycle, and send your defenses right back up. However, I was determined it would not and for the most part it didn't. One of the 1st things to go for me is personal relationships. A key component for a person with BPD is push pull and I am not the exception to that, in fact I am probably more like the rule. I like to have people in my life I like to have friends and I loved having a bestie, but if you read anything about BPD you will read how hard it is for relationships to be maintained. When I feel like I'm getting too close to someone, or I am stressed out, or I feel like I'm being questioned or judged, or someone just doesn't get what I'm saying I push them right out. Unfortunately this can also be people that are undeserving of the push.


I will not ever point fingers and blame my growing up on the fact I have BPD. However, it's a component, but I am 38 I am responsible for me. Even with a mental health journey we are responsible for ourselves. Whether that responsibility resides in medication, or in my case if that responsibility resides in keeping my mouth shut and not pushing people away. We are responsible and if we can't control our actions then we need to rethink the path we are on and reevaluate what we need to better our situation. However at 38 it doesn't mean I still don't long for that approval maybe that I didn't have from my dad as a kid. I don't really care he didn't attend my school activities, my sporting events, or my church things. I didn't really care he didn't come to AZ for my wedding and that he doesn't even know when my kids' birthdays are. Well I thought I didn't care. The 1st time I saw him on this trip he asked me, "So are you still doing those triathlon things" I felt my heart skip a beat he 1) not only remembered and 2) he cared, so I thought. I slipped I let my guard down. I shared with him about the 5 races I have coming up told him the distances, dates etc. He looked at me and said, "So do you plan on losing weight before you do them or are you doing them fat" I said well I guess on planning on doing them fat and he replied, "Okay was just checking" A key factor for my BPD is abandonment, maybe this is because I didn't have stability growing up but I instantly felt that BPD door open wide and I wanted to walk through. That statement stung, hurt, pissed me off, and humiliated me in ways I can never describe. In looking back I see that was the start of about a 5 day up and down push and pull lash out at people cycle.


I was determined to have fun and I did, but at the same time I caught myself thinking why couldn't he be this kind of dad, why did he have to wait to have grandkids? I caught myself being very self conscious of everything I ate, what I wore, how I sat, and anytime my kids brought up triathlons or swimming I instantly changed the subject. I was up and down with trying to figure out spiritual stuff and in passing dropped a comment like maybe I will just become a Mormon which was met with all kinds of opposition. I felt push and pulled and cornered and I came out swinging and pushing and pulling back. I destroyed my relationship with my sister as a result of not making the decision to just back off when I felt that BPD bubble rising to the surface. Instead I let it rise and not only did it rise it popped and all kinds of nasty junk slung forth from it and many harsh and unnecessary things were said. The second they were out of my mouth I regretted them, but I felt better. You know like when you have a blister and you pop it and you regret popping it because it's raw but you are glad you did because it feels better at the same time, yeah well my emotional BPD blister popped. However, just because I felt a release I felt terrible and there was no mending it. Because, I had just given a verbal beat down on my sister, the one person that has always had my back, I felt like a shitty person that no wonder I didn't believe in God because how could He believe in me, which then led to a huge push and lashing out on Stacy the one that was trying to help me figure out God. You get it you see the pattern! The reality that I had lost my bestie a month prior, the reality that I had just lost my sister, and the reality that the one person that hadn't left yet and didn't really know me was trying to help me with God had just gotten a huge push was TOUGH!


I share all this with you to say, there will be hard days, you will struggle, you will say and do things that are just straight up lame. You will lose people close to you because of your actions and you will lose people close to you because they can't handle you taking a stand for what you need. However, you are okay! I know that when I allow my BPD bubble to burst and nastiness spews forth I feel like I am not okay that I am worthless and will never overcome, but that is so far from the truth. It doesn't define me it isn't me and whatever your mental health struggle is it doesn't define you and it isn't you. It is a component of who I am and it is a component of who you are. I often align my self worth with others opinions of me. Others not knowing about my mental health struggles, I used to feel made me it all better, made me better! However, these last two weeks, when I wanted to tell Stacy, or some triathlon friends or my coach, or whomever when I wanted them to understand I'm not just a bitch and I realized how much hiding it has impacted me over the course of the last year. I do not have to plug in my little flashing neon sign and carry it with me that says BPD/OCD but it isn't something that I need to be so ashamed of. I know, for me personally, when events such as the one in SC occur, and people begin thinking about how to help/save those that have mental health issues I want to crawl into a hole until it gets pushed back under a rock because I feel judged. However, I am my greatest judge and jury! Do not allow events like what has happened in our country, or comments on social media, or statements from family members, or ended relationships ruin you. They hurt, they sting, they slow you down, but you are ok! You may not always feel okay and you may often feel alone, but you will be okay and you aren't alone! There are people out there that truly care, there are people out there that will walk beside you and hold your hand every step of the way don't be your own worst enemy and self isolate, I promise it does not help! Just remember tonight, you are worthy and I care!