There is no trippin to triathlon theme tonight...when I was asked to guest blog this weekend I didn't really expect the up and down emotional week I have had AND since I didn't give a theme I have just decided you are going to get the ramblings of my heart and my mind because my heart hurts and my mind is confused. I have figured out so much of my life on my own and I've done a pretty decent job of it. Yes, I am fully aware I write blogs about going from trippin' to triathlons which means I spent 3 years of my life as an addict, but even with that I have done a decent job of my life.
I believe that life is multi faceted that there is a spiritual, emotional, and physical component. Everything in our lives fits into these three components and each component is about free will and choices. After I stopped trippin' I put on nearly 100 lbs I replaced my drug habit with soda and junk food and wasn't working out. I was physically miserable which also made me emotionally blah. I made the choice to hire a coach to help me train for triathlons as well as get the nutrition component under control. I was and continue to be humbled out by her. Not once has she ever judged me or made me feel "less than" but letting someone into your world of working out and eating is a very personal thing, especially when it was a replacement for a very deep emotional cover up, drugs. Yet, I knew how badly I wanted this how desperately I want these last 50 lbs to come off, how I want to not just do triathlons but I want to be decent at them. I trust my coach completely, with not just the work outs and the nutrition but I know that all three facets of life work together therefore I made the choice to let her into my life and to share with her the emotional junk that has brought me to this place physically. I chose to share with her the lifelong battle with food, the drugs, and I chose to let her get to know me, how I operate as an athlete, as a wife, as a mom, and as a person. I made the choice to let Coach Kitty into my world, because I wanted the physical component of my life to be all that it could possibly be. I struggled with letting my guard down, because even though she lives thousands of miles away, she still knew me. She still knew when I ate junk or when I didn't bust ass in a work out, and I am so thankful for my sometimes way too honest personality, because in getting my physical together not only did I learn to trust more, I gained a coach and a friend with whom I admire and respect.
My physical journey has not been easy it is often embarrassing and makes me angry. I catch a glimpse of myself in pictures and can see the every bit of the 50lbs. I want to wear shorts that just 3 summers ago fit but now I'm lucky to get them up to my knees. I want to not have a stomach that can not be hidden no matter what shirts I wear, and I don't want to have to cringe at the thought of that tri suit waiting in my closet. I had a bit more physical confidence before our vacation this summer when my niece took a video of me jumping off the high dive and I saw just how huge I was in my swimming suit. Couple that with the comments I blogged about last week from my dad and I can safely say my physical confidence meter has been lowered. HOWEVER, even though my confidence has wained and I want to be 50lbs thinner like yesterday and I want to not be a back of the pack racer in the my triathlons I have a plan! I, without a shadow of doubt, know that I have done the right thing, I know what the answer is, and I trust the physical facet of my life to my coach. This week as I sucked through training I thought why am I doing this?!? I just want to quit! I don't want to work at this! I licked my wounds of self pity and regret and frustration I also was reminded that I have been given all the tools I need to be successful and that if I follow these tools my end goals will be achieved. My coach can't do the work for me, I have to eat the right things, or eat period, she can't do the workouts for me, but since when is 2200 a short swim??, it is about me and the work and the effort, but the plan is clear, the tools are solid, and the goal is tangible. I have got the physical facet of my life signed, sealed, and delivered!
The emotional facet of my life is in check! Well sort of, well most of the time anyway. I have slowly over the course of the last 5 years began letting my walls down, allowing myself to feel emotion and for that feeling of emotion to be safe. I'm not even sure I can describe this in a manner that makes sense. I am a very black and white thinker and with that a very all or none person and my emotions were not the exception. I often would feel something to the extreme, often anger, or I would feel nothing at all. It was to the point I could look at the faces of my sweet babies and feel nothing. I would ask people in my life do you ever look at your kids and feel nothing? You would think I had asked them if they were growing horns or to tell me about their sex life or something equally as odd. They all said no they always felt something, to which I then looked at them the way they had just looked at me. It was then that I realized I had allowed myself to shut down so much that I didn't feel. even when it came to my babies. This when I knew I had to make a choice! I could continue on this path of emotional self destruction or I could find some super extra large big girl panties and I could learn how to feel! It was not easy, it still is not easy, there are still days, especially this week, where I think why did I make this choice to feel emotions, being flat line and not caring was so much easier. Absolutely it was easier, it is easier, but I missed so much and I choose to not miss out like that again.
On Tuesday, a friend and I took our kids to see Inside Out. I didn't think it was as great as everyone was making it out to be, but that's to be expected, from me, it is about emotions. However, one part of the movie that has stuck with me for the last several days is that joy and sadness must work together. A life can not be full of joy without some sadness and even in the saddest components of life there is always a piece of joy. I have thought about this all week long, and I have looked back on my life and I am thankful for the sadness, for the disgust, for the fear, because without them I would not be able to know joy fully. I made the choice to stop relying on alternative means of temporary emotion bumps through the cocaine and pills and heroin. I would feel nothing so I would do cocaine, I would do too much cocaine and would be feeling too much but nothing a handful of pills or a hit of heroin couldn't resolve. However, more than the mood and emotion altering substances I partook in on a daily basis I made the choice to work on what was truly causing the emotional dysfunction in my life. Coming from a person that doesn't like to feel emotion, to have to dig deep, to have to pull out that emotional sludge that looks and sounds and smells and tastes awful and to figure out what is making it that way, it down right sucked! There were those moments, those days where I wanted to quit, and sometimes I did, but I knew I made the choice to do this and I didn't want to turn back. I relied on friends to carry me when I couldn't carry myself, I relied on the fact that I knew if I kept doing these things then I would have a successful and solid end result. I knew if I did xyz then in the end I would be okay. I flushed the drugs, burned the drug using supplies, and walked out of my bathroom never to use again. I knew what the end result of that emotional choice would be. I met with a psychiatrist I poured my heart out to her and I knew what the end result would be. Just like with the physical no one could do the emotional work for me. My friends could hug me tight (when I let them), they could cry with me, laugh with me, walk with me, and even yell at me, but they couldn't get sober for me and they couldn't work through the emotional sludge for me, I had to do it. My psychiatrist could listen to me, could tell me what I should do, could challenge and encourage me, could call me out on my bullshit, and could show me what needed to be done, but she could not do it for me, when I left her office the choice was mine. But, I knew the truth I knew what was right, I knew if I did these things my emotional facet would be in check! I have the emotional facet of my life signed sealed and delivered!
Alas that brings me to my spiritual trifecta. What a shit storm this has been! Let me just say I'm going to be brutally honest here, and probably offend someone, but hey even when I'm not writing on matters as personal as spirituality I always manage to offend someone in my blogging, people are just easily offended I suspect. This isn't even about a church or religion but about what spirituality means to an individual. Even for a person that is an atheist I still believe that they have three facets of life and they make the choice to not believe in the spiritual component and that is okay, that is their choice. For many years I have doubted and questioned spiritual matters. I have wondered is there a God, I have wondered if there is a God how can everything in the Bible be true, I have wondered how there can be so many religions, so many denominations, so many belief systems each one claiming to be true. This area of my life stresses me out! I want to do the right thing for myself and for my family, and I think I have found what works for us. However, after I write all this, and it is published I might be tossed into the provberial spiritual river and sent floating without a paddle. My entire life I have heard how wrong certain religions are. Wrong based on what because they believe differently than the one pointing out the "flaws" in the other religions belief system? As I started to type about spirituality I wanted to point out what I don't like in churches and then it occurred to me it isn't about the churches, someone else's spiritual journey should not impede mine. It should not matter to me if someone wants to be a Sunday morning church quarter back, or if someone wants to devote 2 years of their life to the mission field, or if someone wants to pray 5 times a day facing Mecca a persons spiritual journey is their own. My stress this week comes from just this, not so much the spiritual facet but from the fact that I don't know what to do with what I believe. That moment when I think I have it figured out, when I think I know exactly what I want to do, some well meaning friends stage an intervention of sorts and try to save me from the dark side (said tongue and cheek of course). Last week I mentioned that I was going to attend a church, a not so main stream church, but one that is well known at the same time. I was hesitant to even cross that threshold and mention to my family and friends on the ever so delightful likes of social media where I was going to attend, but I did. I knew that I was going to get some resistance, that is to be expected, but I never would have imagined that a week later I have been made to feel like an incompetent, worthless, ignorant, human being because I decided to try this church.
My stressful spiritual week looked like this: 1) I no longer doubt there is a God so now that I have established that I can move on 2) I think I have found a church that is exactly what I want for me and my family with a group of people that I instantly feel comfortable with and like I belong 3) each piece of the church service spoke to exactly what I had been talking to my friend about and I walked out of their feeling like I belong like I connected with these people and that it was the right place 4) Roger and I talked religion, spirituality, God something we never had done before and I was like woohoo virtual high five this is absolutely the right thing to do and we both felt connected with this church our kids had friends there we felt welcomed and we liked the messages 5) the fan mail began if people weren't texting me telling me that I am too smart to believe in this, they were messaging me on facebook telling me that I knew better than to do this, or they were finding some of my closest friends and telling them they needed to talk to me staging their own little spiritual interventions 6) I realized what a big deal to me the boundaries for this church that I really enjoyed are. They attend based on where you live and I don't live in the right place to attend this church that I want to, yes I could attend the one I am supposed to because they teach the same thing but that struck something in me that I still haven't been able to shake off I cried so much that day I gave myself a headache and I think 3 days later my eyes are still swollen, I know many think what's the big deal you don't go for the people you go for the message but for me it is a very big deal for so many reasons but I shall save that for another blog 7) I meet with people from the church today and they shared a video with me to watch and as I watched it I kept thinking OH MY GOSH that's exactly how I feel right now and I felt like okay this is the right thing I'm on the right track 8) I was asked whether or not I wanted to be baptized and join the church in just 3 short weeks.
There are things in this church I am not sure I believe, yet there are things in main stream Christianity I am not sure I believe either. However, what I do believe is that as humans we were given free will, we are given the choice to make decisions about how we live on Earth which includes how we choose to carry out our spiritual life. I wish that it was as clear cut as the physical facet where I knew when I listen to Coach Kitty and I eat the way I'm supposed, train the way I'm supposed to, sleep like I am supposed to I will not only make it through the race I will cross the finish line and get a shiny medal. I wish I knew that it was like the emotional component where I flushed the cocaine down the toilet and left my bathroom and never picked up my phone to call my dealer again, or I sat across from my psychiatrist and I pulled up that sludge and we cleaned it off and put it away and everything was great. However, that isn't true for the spiritual. I don't know what waits for me when I die and more than that I don't know what is the right way to get there. I don't know if I am supposed to believe what your religion teachers or yours or yours or yours or hey even yours. (Yes I'm talking to you) I don't know if I am going to totally mess everything up by attending one church vs another or that I even need to attend at all. I had a very wise friend say to me this week, "Ryan does it matter which way the pearly gates swing open, does it matter if they go left or right" Well no truly that doesn't matter, I guess it just matters is that they open at all, because I'm sure scaling the pearly gate is no easy task. My spirit has been so uneasy this week, it has hurt
When I die only then can I say (well you know what I mean) that the spiritual component is signed sealed and delivered. However, in the meantime I can strive to align my family with a group of individuals that have a spiritual belief system similar to mine. I can strive to raise my children with spiritual beliefs that I feel will sustain them not only now but as they enter into their teen and adult years. This is not a task I take lightly, you know when I cry over something it's serious business, but what I never expected was the added stress that people bring to spirituality. I was so excited, elated in fact, when I finally felt this spiritual peace that I had searched for all my life. When I finally knew what this spiritual hunger was about, when I finally felt that down deep I had found the spiritual answers I had longed for. I did not expect others to feel that level of excitement with me and for me but what I did not expect was for them to try and kill the joy and peace of the spiritual journey I have been on for years.
Tonight I want to encourage you to look at your trifecta. Are their choices that you can be better making to help sign, seal, and deliver each component so they are harmoniously working together? However, I also want to challenge you to be cognizant of the trifecta of those around you. Their journeys might, and probably will, look different than yours, walk along side them, don't cast judgment, help carry their load, you never know what one little statement, in passing can do for them. One statement, on some hard bleachers, in the middle of a coach showdown, at a little league baseball field brought to me the spiritual peace and joy I have sought for 38 years, be that kind of person, not one that muddles the beauty of the trifecta of life.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Sorry Not Sorry Oh Wait I Am Really Sorry!
In October I shut down my other personal blog, the one that discussed the ups and downs of traversing a mental health issue. I knew that I was going to be focusing the majority of my blogs on going from trippin' to triathlons. I knew a whole new group of people were going to be reading them, some of these people I wasn't too excited to learn about the fact that not only was I a recovering addict but that I had also traveled a rather dark mental health journey in the not so distant past including hospitalizations and court orders. I was determined that I was not going to blog about mental health ever again, unless it was a sentence or two in a light hearted and fun way while discussing trippin' and triathlons. However, yesterday as I loaded up the suburban, with my six kiddos, I heard on the tv what had happened in SC and I felt that pit in my stomach churn. My heart not only broke for the victims, their families, and the community, but my heart broke for those walking the journey of mental health. I wasn't going to take a stand I wasn't going to be a voice for those that didn't feel they had one, I was simply going to drive my 1200 miles home in a suburban full of chaos and country music. Yet, when we stopped for the night and I pulled up my email I had an email from your Gru asking if I could tell my story, if I could offer comfort and hope, if I had anything I could say. SIGH! Really!?! NO! I have parents from baseball on here, I have triathlete friends on here, I have teachers from my kids' school on here, I have friends I have met through rabbits and goats, people I haven't shared this with. I was digging my feet in, no way! Even the menial monetary compensation wasn't going to persuade me, I had struggled enough the last two weeks with the reminders of my mental health journey NO! Then on about the 3rd pee stop this morning I was scanning facebook and saw a most offensive post, the kind that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and dammit I knew it was time for me to swallow my pride, my embarrassment, and share my story and maybe my journey can offer someone some hope. So to you my mental health minions, I am joining ranks with your Gru, and I am about to show you what I am made of. I don't have any words of comfort, I don't have any words of hope, I just want you, through me, to see that some days are better than others and to never give up. It is absolutely possible to struggle and be more than okay!
A couple of years a go I wrote a blog titled I Am Me. The reason I wrote this is I so fear (read the next paragraph about my OCD fears) that when others will learn I have mental health struggles this is how they will view me. That I will lose friends, I will shame my family, I will no longer be viewed as a wife, mom, friend, triathlete, or a farmer. That instead I will be viewed with this huge mental health stigma. I fought getting the help I needed for so long because I told myself I am above this I am better than this I am not "one of them." I have two masters degrees, one bachelors degree, one associates, a boat load of certifications, my IQ is high enough to allow me to be apart of the illusive Mensa organization, I run a farm, I have a happy marriage, I am a mom to 6 yes SIX amazing kids, I am not your poster child for mental health struggles. I can't have this I am better than this. So ya' see even amongst the world of people struggling with mental health issues there is a stigma, we I mean me, never want to be grouped with those individuals that bring mental health to the forefront of every news station across the country.
I have two official labels errrr I mean diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and OCD. My OCD is not the traditional kind that so many are familiar with and or toss around without any thought to the ramifications of such verbiage. My OCD is more of a thought process OCD in that I obsess about the possibility of failure and do anything I possibly can to avoid failing in a situation. This failure often shows in two forms I will either go balls to the wall and will accept nothing but perfection from myself or I will self sabotage so I can neither succeed or fail. However, my main issue is BPD and even in typing that I feel like I have to say hold on not everyone with BPD is like Jody Arias. I know I am not! BPD is an emotional deregulation disorder. I can google all the definitions and terms and criteria but if you want to know that you can also, instead I am going to tell you what BPD looks in my life and how timely this blog is for me to write. There is no cure for BPD, however it is not a chemical imbalance in the brain such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia etc. There is no need for me personally, although many do so DO not take that statement as means in which to go off meds, to take medication. I worked and fought hard for a very long time to no longer meet the criteria for BPD and when this happened I thought HALLELUJAH I will never struggle again, however that isn't the case, I still struggle. It just isn't as intense, as crippling, as long lasting. I have very much become aware of my triggers and even in this close awareness of my triggers it doesn't mean that I can't still be triggered. Here is how BPD has manifested in my life the last couple weeks:
I have had a huge crisis in faith lately, for probably about six months. Crisis in faith to the point I wondered is there a God, and if there is a God how do I believe in all these things that are kind of out there? Ya' know like a statement I read at Easter that said the Jesus apocalypse and I haven't been able to shake it since. I was in a very big agnostic mindset and leaning heavily toward an atheist view point. But, I kept thinking to myself, what if I am wrong? What if I lead my kids in the wrong direction (you know the OCD mentioned above) During my son's spring baseball season I allowed myself to sort of get to know some of the moms. Nothing more than a hey how's it going, talking school talk, and of course the usual baseball banter. In the midst of one of these games one of the moms made the simple comment, "Coach is so quiet at church he gets fired up on the field." That was it end of statement. So many people mention church in passing, I couldn't tell you who they are or what they said, but her comment stuck! Weeks later I kept thinking you should ask Stacy about her faith you should ask her about God. Puhleeze WHATEVAH I don't know her! One day while driving into town (yes I totally texted and drove this one) I grabbed my phone off the seat and sent her a message and pretty much said so tell me about your faith tell me about your belief in God. AND I SENT IT! The second I did I wished I hadn't and then I thought maybe she won't answer...she read it, she answered. We have spent countless hours talking faith, God, church, religion, and in the midst of that I shared with her my trippin' days and of course quickly followed up with the triathlon part, and the door had been opened. Two days after her and I began talking and talking A LOT (oh wait I mean messaging because for those of you that do know me I am not a talker) I headed up to Wyoming to spend time with my family.
Under "normal" circumstances heading to my hometown is stressful for me. I don't really feel like I belong that I am welcome, accepted, or that my family can see past the struggles and the trippin' and just love me for me. However, this time was a bit abnormal. My step dad was in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs, I had planned a three day weekend at the lake with my dad, step mom, and kids (it had been five years since my dad had seen my kids and he had never met my youngest two), my grandpa with whom I love so much was recovering from a major life altering surgery. I was stressed out about the trip, I was extremely anxious that I had begun talking about my life with Stacy, I was trying to figure out this God thing, and my relationship with my bestie was shot to hell. For a person with BPD anyone of those things can flatten you, send you into a cycle, and send your defenses right back up. However, I was determined it would not and for the most part it didn't. One of the 1st things to go for me is personal relationships. A key component for a person with BPD is push pull and I am not the exception to that, in fact I am probably more like the rule. I like to have people in my life I like to have friends and I loved having a bestie, but if you read anything about BPD you will read how hard it is for relationships to be maintained. When I feel like I'm getting too close to someone, or I am stressed out, or I feel like I'm being questioned or judged, or someone just doesn't get what I'm saying I push them right out. Unfortunately this can also be people that are undeserving of the push.
I will not ever point fingers and blame my growing up on the fact I have BPD. However, it's a component, but I am 38 I am responsible for me. Even with a mental health journey we are responsible for ourselves. Whether that responsibility resides in medication, or in my case if that responsibility resides in keeping my mouth shut and not pushing people away. We are responsible and if we can't control our actions then we need to rethink the path we are on and reevaluate what we need to better our situation. However at 38 it doesn't mean I still don't long for that approval maybe that I didn't have from my dad as a kid. I don't really care he didn't attend my school activities, my sporting events, or my church things. I didn't really care he didn't come to AZ for my wedding and that he doesn't even know when my kids' birthdays are. Well I thought I didn't care. The 1st time I saw him on this trip he asked me, "So are you still doing those triathlon things" I felt my heart skip a beat he 1) not only remembered and 2) he cared, so I thought. I slipped I let my guard down. I shared with him about the 5 races I have coming up told him the distances, dates etc. He looked at me and said, "So do you plan on losing weight before you do them or are you doing them fat" I said well I guess on planning on doing them fat and he replied, "Okay was just checking" A key factor for my BPD is abandonment, maybe this is because I didn't have stability growing up but I instantly felt that BPD door open wide and I wanted to walk through. That statement stung, hurt, pissed me off, and humiliated me in ways I can never describe. In looking back I see that was the start of about a 5 day up and down push and pull lash out at people cycle.
I was determined to have fun and I did, but at the same time I caught myself thinking why couldn't he be this kind of dad, why did he have to wait to have grandkids? I caught myself being very self conscious of everything I ate, what I wore, how I sat, and anytime my kids brought up triathlons or swimming I instantly changed the subject. I was up and down with trying to figure out spiritual stuff and in passing dropped a comment like maybe I will just become a Mormon which was met with all kinds of opposition. I felt push and pulled and cornered and I came out swinging and pushing and pulling back. I destroyed my relationship with my sister as a result of not making the decision to just back off when I felt that BPD bubble rising to the surface. Instead I let it rise and not only did it rise it popped and all kinds of nasty junk slung forth from it and many harsh and unnecessary things were said. The second they were out of my mouth I regretted them, but I felt better. You know like when you have a blister and you pop it and you regret popping it because it's raw but you are glad you did because it feels better at the same time, yeah well my emotional BPD blister popped. However, just because I felt a release I felt terrible and there was no mending it. Because, I had just given a verbal beat down on my sister, the one person that has always had my back, I felt like a shitty person that no wonder I didn't believe in God because how could He believe in me, which then led to a huge push and lashing out on Stacy the one that was trying to help me figure out God. You get it you see the pattern! The reality that I had lost my bestie a month prior, the reality that I had just lost my sister, and the reality that the one person that hadn't left yet and didn't really know me was trying to help me with God had just gotten a huge push was TOUGH!
I share all this with you to say, there will be hard days, you will struggle, you will say and do things that are just straight up lame. You will lose people close to you because of your actions and you will lose people close to you because they can't handle you taking a stand for what you need. However, you are okay! I know that when I allow my BPD bubble to burst and nastiness spews forth I feel like I am not okay that I am worthless and will never overcome, but that is so far from the truth. It doesn't define me it isn't me and whatever your mental health struggle is it doesn't define you and it isn't you. It is a component of who I am and it is a component of who you are. I often align my self worth with others opinions of me. Others not knowing about my mental health struggles, I used to feel made me it all better, made me better! However, these last two weeks, when I wanted to tell Stacy, or some triathlon friends or my coach, or whomever when I wanted them to understand I'm not just a bitch and I realized how much hiding it has impacted me over the course of the last year. I do not have to plug in my little flashing neon sign and carry it with me that says BPD/OCD but it isn't something that I need to be so ashamed of. I know, for me personally, when events such as the one in SC occur, and people begin thinking about how to help/save those that have mental health issues I want to crawl into a hole until it gets pushed back under a rock because I feel judged. However, I am my greatest judge and jury! Do not allow events like what has happened in our country, or comments on social media, or statements from family members, or ended relationships ruin you. They hurt, they sting, they slow you down, but you are ok! You may not always feel okay and you may often feel alone, but you will be okay and you aren't alone! There are people out there that truly care, there are people out there that will walk beside you and hold your hand every step of the way don't be your own worst enemy and self isolate, I promise it does not help! Just remember tonight, you are worthy and I care!
A couple of years a go I wrote a blog titled I Am Me. The reason I wrote this is I so fear (read the next paragraph about my OCD fears) that when others will learn I have mental health struggles this is how they will view me. That I will lose friends, I will shame my family, I will no longer be viewed as a wife, mom, friend, triathlete, or a farmer. That instead I will be viewed with this huge mental health stigma. I fought getting the help I needed for so long because I told myself I am above this I am better than this I am not "one of them." I have two masters degrees, one bachelors degree, one associates, a boat load of certifications, my IQ is high enough to allow me to be apart of the illusive Mensa organization, I run a farm, I have a happy marriage, I am a mom to 6 yes SIX amazing kids, I am not your poster child for mental health struggles. I can't have this I am better than this. So ya' see even amongst the world of people struggling with mental health issues there is a stigma, we I mean me, never want to be grouped with those individuals that bring mental health to the forefront of every news station across the country.
I have two official labels errrr I mean diagnosis Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and OCD. My OCD is not the traditional kind that so many are familiar with and or toss around without any thought to the ramifications of such verbiage. My OCD is more of a thought process OCD in that I obsess about the possibility of failure and do anything I possibly can to avoid failing in a situation. This failure often shows in two forms I will either go balls to the wall and will accept nothing but perfection from myself or I will self sabotage so I can neither succeed or fail. However, my main issue is BPD and even in typing that I feel like I have to say hold on not everyone with BPD is like Jody Arias. I know I am not! BPD is an emotional deregulation disorder. I can google all the definitions and terms and criteria but if you want to know that you can also, instead I am going to tell you what BPD looks in my life and how timely this blog is for me to write. There is no cure for BPD, however it is not a chemical imbalance in the brain such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia etc. There is no need for me personally, although many do so DO not take that statement as means in which to go off meds, to take medication. I worked and fought hard for a very long time to no longer meet the criteria for BPD and when this happened I thought HALLELUJAH I will never struggle again, however that isn't the case, I still struggle. It just isn't as intense, as crippling, as long lasting. I have very much become aware of my triggers and even in this close awareness of my triggers it doesn't mean that I can't still be triggered. Here is how BPD has manifested in my life the last couple weeks:
I have had a huge crisis in faith lately, for probably about six months. Crisis in faith to the point I wondered is there a God, and if there is a God how do I believe in all these things that are kind of out there? Ya' know like a statement I read at Easter that said the Jesus apocalypse and I haven't been able to shake it since. I was in a very big agnostic mindset and leaning heavily toward an atheist view point. But, I kept thinking to myself, what if I am wrong? What if I lead my kids in the wrong direction (you know the OCD mentioned above) During my son's spring baseball season I allowed myself to sort of get to know some of the moms. Nothing more than a hey how's it going, talking school talk, and of course the usual baseball banter. In the midst of one of these games one of the moms made the simple comment, "Coach is so quiet at church he gets fired up on the field." That was it end of statement. So many people mention church in passing, I couldn't tell you who they are or what they said, but her comment stuck! Weeks later I kept thinking you should ask Stacy about her faith you should ask her about God. Puhleeze WHATEVAH I don't know her! One day while driving into town (yes I totally texted and drove this one) I grabbed my phone off the seat and sent her a message and pretty much said so tell me about your faith tell me about your belief in God. AND I SENT IT! The second I did I wished I hadn't and then I thought maybe she won't answer...she read it, she answered. We have spent countless hours talking faith, God, church, religion, and in the midst of that I shared with her my trippin' days and of course quickly followed up with the triathlon part, and the door had been opened. Two days after her and I began talking and talking A LOT (oh wait I mean messaging because for those of you that do know me I am not a talker) I headed up to Wyoming to spend time with my family.
Under "normal" circumstances heading to my hometown is stressful for me. I don't really feel like I belong that I am welcome, accepted, or that my family can see past the struggles and the trippin' and just love me for me. However, this time was a bit abnormal. My step dad was in the hospital with blood clots in his lungs, I had planned a three day weekend at the lake with my dad, step mom, and kids (it had been five years since my dad had seen my kids and he had never met my youngest two), my grandpa with whom I love so much was recovering from a major life altering surgery. I was stressed out about the trip, I was extremely anxious that I had begun talking about my life with Stacy, I was trying to figure out this God thing, and my relationship with my bestie was shot to hell. For a person with BPD anyone of those things can flatten you, send you into a cycle, and send your defenses right back up. However, I was determined it would not and for the most part it didn't. One of the 1st things to go for me is personal relationships. A key component for a person with BPD is push pull and I am not the exception to that, in fact I am probably more like the rule. I like to have people in my life I like to have friends and I loved having a bestie, but if you read anything about BPD you will read how hard it is for relationships to be maintained. When I feel like I'm getting too close to someone, or I am stressed out, or I feel like I'm being questioned or judged, or someone just doesn't get what I'm saying I push them right out. Unfortunately this can also be people that are undeserving of the push.
I will not ever point fingers and blame my growing up on the fact I have BPD. However, it's a component, but I am 38 I am responsible for me. Even with a mental health journey we are responsible for ourselves. Whether that responsibility resides in medication, or in my case if that responsibility resides in keeping my mouth shut and not pushing people away. We are responsible and if we can't control our actions then we need to rethink the path we are on and reevaluate what we need to better our situation. However at 38 it doesn't mean I still don't long for that approval maybe that I didn't have from my dad as a kid. I don't really care he didn't attend my school activities, my sporting events, or my church things. I didn't really care he didn't come to AZ for my wedding and that he doesn't even know when my kids' birthdays are. Well I thought I didn't care. The 1st time I saw him on this trip he asked me, "So are you still doing those triathlon things" I felt my heart skip a beat he 1) not only remembered and 2) he cared, so I thought. I slipped I let my guard down. I shared with him about the 5 races I have coming up told him the distances, dates etc. He looked at me and said, "So do you plan on losing weight before you do them or are you doing them fat" I said well I guess on planning on doing them fat and he replied, "Okay was just checking" A key factor for my BPD is abandonment, maybe this is because I didn't have stability growing up but I instantly felt that BPD door open wide and I wanted to walk through. That statement stung, hurt, pissed me off, and humiliated me in ways I can never describe. In looking back I see that was the start of about a 5 day up and down push and pull lash out at people cycle.
I was determined to have fun and I did, but at the same time I caught myself thinking why couldn't he be this kind of dad, why did he have to wait to have grandkids? I caught myself being very self conscious of everything I ate, what I wore, how I sat, and anytime my kids brought up triathlons or swimming I instantly changed the subject. I was up and down with trying to figure out spiritual stuff and in passing dropped a comment like maybe I will just become a Mormon which was met with all kinds of opposition. I felt push and pulled and cornered and I came out swinging and pushing and pulling back. I destroyed my relationship with my sister as a result of not making the decision to just back off when I felt that BPD bubble rising to the surface. Instead I let it rise and not only did it rise it popped and all kinds of nasty junk slung forth from it and many harsh and unnecessary things were said. The second they were out of my mouth I regretted them, but I felt better. You know like when you have a blister and you pop it and you regret popping it because it's raw but you are glad you did because it feels better at the same time, yeah well my emotional BPD blister popped. However, just because I felt a release I felt terrible and there was no mending it. Because, I had just given a verbal beat down on my sister, the one person that has always had my back, I felt like a shitty person that no wonder I didn't believe in God because how could He believe in me, which then led to a huge push and lashing out on Stacy the one that was trying to help me figure out God. You get it you see the pattern! The reality that I had lost my bestie a month prior, the reality that I had just lost my sister, and the reality that the one person that hadn't left yet and didn't really know me was trying to help me with God had just gotten a huge push was TOUGH!
I share all this with you to say, there will be hard days, you will struggle, you will say and do things that are just straight up lame. You will lose people close to you because of your actions and you will lose people close to you because they can't handle you taking a stand for what you need. However, you are okay! I know that when I allow my BPD bubble to burst and nastiness spews forth I feel like I am not okay that I am worthless and will never overcome, but that is so far from the truth. It doesn't define me it isn't me and whatever your mental health struggle is it doesn't define you and it isn't you. It is a component of who I am and it is a component of who you are. I often align my self worth with others opinions of me. Others not knowing about my mental health struggles, I used to feel made me it all better, made me better! However, these last two weeks, when I wanted to tell Stacy, or some triathlon friends or my coach, or whomever when I wanted them to understand I'm not just a bitch and I realized how much hiding it has impacted me over the course of the last year. I do not have to plug in my little flashing neon sign and carry it with me that says BPD/OCD but it isn't something that I need to be so ashamed of. I know, for me personally, when events such as the one in SC occur, and people begin thinking about how to help/save those that have mental health issues I want to crawl into a hole until it gets pushed back under a rock because I feel judged. However, I am my greatest judge and jury! Do not allow events like what has happened in our country, or comments on social media, or statements from family members, or ended relationships ruin you. They hurt, they sting, they slow you down, but you are ok! You may not always feel okay and you may often feel alone, but you will be okay and you aren't alone! There are people out there that truly care, there are people out there that will walk beside you and hold your hand every step of the way don't be your own worst enemy and self isolate, I promise it does not help! Just remember tonight, you are worthy and I care!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)