One of my two favorite seasons is spring, spring brings about some pretty amazing things! Baseball!! Gardens!! Farm babies!! Weather under 115 degrees!! However, spring is also the season of struggle in my life. There's really no reason for it other than, I guess that's just how I'm wired. For the 1st time in five years, this spring I was prepared for the season that was upon me, however, it didn't come without it's challenges. But, I can stay I did not start trippin' and I am still training for that triathlon.
I have always been so ashamed of the fact I have BPD, I honesty can not think of another thing in my life that holds more shame. This is lame I know, because it isn't something I chose, it isn't something I did, or a path I picked for myself to walk on. The shame comes from embarrassment, the shame comes from what will others think when they know, the shame comes from the fact I feel that I am better than this. I get so frustrated when people say to me it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but please don't invalidate my feelings surrounding it. I despise, " don't worry what others think," it does such a disservice to my valid thoughts and emotions. Can you truly show me a person that hasn't worried what others thought, at least at some point in their life? The mentality of don't worry what others think not only belittles the emotions but also feeds into that self righteous, I'm all that matters mentality. We live in a society in which everyone has an opinion, everyone is judged. It doesn't matter what it is about, we live in an age where shaming has become perfectly acceptable, and mental health sadly isn't the exception it is the rule.
Surrounding every large scale crisis, be it a pilot taking down an entire plane, a couple of men bombing a race, someone shooting a child or a family or a movie theater filled with patrons, etc mental health momentarily comes to the forefront and the powers that be band together demanding mental health awareness, but mental health isn't like physical health there isn't a cut and dry solution. It is these short lived national mental health campaigns that make my shame greater. I want to undo ever telling anyone I have BPD or that I was in the hospital, each and every time one of these campaigns surface because that is not me, that is not the face of mental illness, yet sadly that is what society sees. I understand no one is in control of my shame, just like no one is in control of yours, but it is this shame that has caused me to take a stand and share a bit of my story, from this last year, with you, hoping that you can find hope, peace, and know that you are not alone. Not everyone that struggles with BPD or other mental health issues resembles those that make the news.
Last May I had a follow up appointment with my psychologist. She is very well versed in BPD and I really liked her, dare I say I might have even trusted her. I sat across from her answering her slew of questions and proudly proclaiming to her that I was no longer trippin' I was one year drug free I was sober. At the end of the appointment she said to me, "Ryan you no longer meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD" No lies I did the happy dance all the way to my suburban, I called my bestie Denise, I texted Robin and Roger, I was so happy! I had done it I had done something so many told me could never be done. I no longer had BPD! Do I say that I am cured? Do I say that I am in remission? It didn't matter because fist pump and other parking lot oddities I was no longer living under this label. However, wait! The same person that walked out of the office is the one that walked in! I had worked so hard at both sanity and sobriety I was no longer trippin' and because I held so much shame around my BPD because I no longer met the criteria for a diagnosis that must mean poof the little magical psychologist fairy wand was waved I WAS CURED! Please don't get me wrong I put in a lot of hard work to no longer meet the criteria, but because of the shame I held I wanted so badly to believe that because she told me this all the daily struggles would vanish into thin air. I felt that because I had proclaimed to anyone that would listen I NO LONGER HAVE BPD that all the daily ins and outs of this illness would also just evaporate. When they didn't the shame grew, I felt that I was failing that I had done something wrong because I wasn't supposed to have this anymore. But, it's like my elbow. I busted up my elbow when I was 12. It no longer meets the criteria some 26 years later for a broken bone but there are still days that it hurts and aches and reminds me that it was once broken rather badly, that although it is healed there is still residual pain, and pain that sometimes pops up for no reason even when I'm not using my elbow. The same occurs with my BPD, there are days that it hurts and aches and reminds me that not so long ago I was broken rather badly. Yet, I hold no shame in saying "ouch my elbow hurts from when I broke it when I was 12" but for me to say "my emotions hurt, my thoughts ache from when I was broken when BPD was a driving force in my life"
So today I am telling you all sometimes I still hurt and ache and it wasn't that too long ago I was broken badly with BPD. If you were to look at they symptoms or the criteria for BPD there are many that I are mute issue for me that have no impact on my life whatsoever. I do not engage in impulsive behaviors in fact it is much the opposite I plan and think things out maybe a little too much. However, I used to! This is where my drug addictions came into play. I also do not have suicidal or self harming behaviors. I can't even think of the last time either of these thoughts came into play. However, again, they used to. If you were to see pictures of me from not so many years ago I had 11 yes 11 facial piercings, why? Because, the pain from the piercing was a release for me. Periods of intense depressed mood nah I'm not depressed I haven't been since I stopped the cocaine. However, this is where my "no longer" ends.
My struggles with BPD are all very much relational. In some of my other blogs I have spoken about the walls I had built, that I dislike people, that I don't need or want friends. Of those three statements only the walls statement is in fact true. I like people, I want and need friends but because of the struggles I have with people it is easier for me to just say I don't like people I don't want friends, when in fact the opposite is very true. The deep and personal struggles I have had this year, that I have shared with no one, purely out of shame, because I am supposed to be cured remember, is that of relationships. I have let more people into my circle, into my life this year, and let's just be honest that freaks me the fuck out! I pretend it is ok, that I can handle it, but instead it freaks me the fuck out! I literally go into a panic mode! This past year I have added a triathlon coach, a friend I met through rabbits, I have shared my story with teachers at my kids school, I have told a mom friend, the list goes on. When I try to share with those that were already in my circle that have walked this path with me from the beginning that I can not handle this I can't handle letting people into my life, I am often told give it a chance it is good for you. In theory I see that, but please don't invalidate where I am at right now because the struggle is real! A deep and harsh reality is that I don't know how to deal with the anxiety, the fear, the worry of letting someone in. Then I tend to split with this person. NO, I don't mean split like go our separate ways and ABSOLUTELY NO I don't mean split like I have multiple personalities I split with the people wanting them close to me but needing them out of my life. I draw them in only to push them out. I often get told I am a thoughtless heartless bitch, but this splitting hurts me just as much as it hurts the other person. I had one person tell me recently well if it hurts you don't do it. Ummm, well okay then, my elbow hurts me to and I can't just not let it hurt. I can do things to prevent my elbow from hurting and I can get it to hurt less, but somedays it just happens it just hurts. I do not now nor ever use my BPD as an excuse for my actions I am responsible for them, but some times some moments it gets the best of me. I am not a cold heartless thoughtless bitch, I hurt and feel probably way deeper than most.
I hate hate hate the word abandonment yet I think I hate it because of the shame it holds. If you couple the fear of abandonment with the splitting actions I get trapped into a vicious emotional and mental circle. I freak the fuck out because people are in my circle, and because I freak the fuck out split I pull them in I push them out, and because I split I fear the abandonment of those I have let into my circle, and because I fear abandonment and don't know how to talk about all this without shame bam it often comes out as inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger. Welcome to the world of BPD! This is what the world refers to as a cycle and y'all even though I no longer meet the criteria for BPD this cycle is still a part of my life and I can guarantee you it happens every single time I expand my circle a little bit.
This spring I have expanded my circle a lot, way more than I have ever expanded it before in my entire, gasp nearly 38 years. This expansion has hurt, it has hurt me and it has hurt some of the relationships I value the most. It hurt these relationships because I held so much shame I couldn't even tell them I was struggling so instead when I freaked the fuck out I blew up. Sorry only goes so far, but I don't know what else to say. I truly didn't mean to. It honestly just happened before I knew what was happening. And while I'm on this path of all things honest when I blew up it was this huge release and for like a split second I felt better until I didn't until I felt worse. I don't ever want to use my BPD as an excuse or as a reason but the more I have denied the fact that I still have components, the more I have stuffed it, the more I have faked it til I maked it, the more I was less honest with myself and those close to me the more this junk got out of hand.
So here I sit blogging for all of you to read, telling you, you have got this you aren't alone, I understand, because these last 2 weeks I did a lot of damage to some very meaningful relationships. But here's the deal! Honesty is the best policy. Had I only been honest with myself, with my bestie, with a few others in my circle I would have had to deal with the vicious freak the fuck out cycle of expanding my circle alone. I just want you to listen, errrr read this and believe me when I say if I can do this if I can be real and honest and open if I can overcome if I can fight the BPD demons so can you! I can't tell you that you won't feel shame, because I won't invalidate your feelings like that, because shame is real. I can't tell you that you won't feel this overwhelming anxiety wondering what others will think and worrying about what if no one wants to be my friend. I can't tell you that the silence of those close to you won't be deafening but I can tell you DIG DEEP! Get honest, get real! Find that person that you can freak the fuck out with that you can let in your circle that you know that no matter what happens they will be there. May is BPD awareness month find that person those persons that you can be real with that you can make aware of your BPD struggles, hurts, irrationalities and aches because BPD breaks us. Become painfully aware of your own BPD struggles this month see what you need to do to conquer. You too can go from trippin' to triathlons and know you are never alone you are worthy of having someone in that circle of yours!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
The Truffle Shuffle
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU GUUUUUUYSSSSSSSS!!!
Every time I say, or hear, or think that line my mind instantly finds that place in the recesses of my brain, you know the one where I have tucked away all those cheesy one liners from movies long ago, this is not an exception, the all time classic Goonies!! I watched that movie countless times in my formative years, yet somehow, the all important scene, the one where they break the manhood off of their mom's statue slipped my mind, until one day...One day when I was all excited to find Goonies on tv, recorded it, and turned it on for my kids that night. Oh PUHLEEZE you all know me well enough to know we are not a modest family, yet the uncontrollable laughter from the boys and hearing Garrett say where's the remote we need to rewind it pulled me back into the living room, only to see them rewinding it for the 10th time and still all the boys laughing hysterically and the girls getting annoyed by this whole, "it was only funny the 1st time" moment. Isn't it ironic how our mind can instantly recall some things yet others are forgotten until something triggers them, pulls them forward??
With all that aside I want to say:
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU GUUUUUUYSSSSSSSS!!!
I did it! I signed up for HIM or IM 70.3 or whatever you want to call it, it doesn't change what it is! I signed up, paid for, and committed to an Ironman 70.3 in exactly 214 days 9 hours 1 minute and 59 seconds from the time in which this sentence was typed (that's October 18th if you don't want to get out your calendar to look)! That's right I will be swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56 miles, and running a formidable 13.2 miles. But, all that aside I am in awe of the perfect timing of this race, God's perfect timing, because IM 70.3 wasn't in my plans until 2016!!
Five years ago, nearly to the day of my hitting the button to register for the IM 70.3, my world was shaken. I could sit here and tell you what happened, the why, the how, but not today, maybe someday I will, but not today. However, for some reason the idea that five years had passed, that five years ago my world, as I knew it, would be forever altered was something that I was really struggling with. Not struggling like I wanted to start trippin' again, not struggling like I felt I was going to send myself back into the throngs of darkness that I fought so hard to come out of but struggling with the whole idea of all that happened over the course of almost exactly five years to the date of my hitting submit for this triathlon. I was struggling with guilt, shame, anger, sadness, regret, pride, relief, peace, happiness. I was struggling with knowing how to feel about what my life has been like over the course of the last five years. Five years ago I had never taken anything more than a Tylenol and birth control, and umm well six kids later, we know I didn't always remember to take one of those. To me a mental hospital was for the CRAZY, not middle class moms with great husbands a houseful of kids and two masters degrees. To me a drug addict was the person that hit me up for money at the street lights, they were the ones found in a motel room with a needle in their arm, not middle class moms with great husbands a houseful of kids and two masters degrees. Yet, over the course of these last five years I learned 1st hand that mental health issues and drug addictions can happen to anyone (yes I said anyone) I learned 1st hand that life is precious and fragile and it can be tough yet at the same time I learned that I am not fragile and I am even tougher than the toughest days.
I love to swim, I always have. As a little girl I used to imagine myself being an Olympic swimmer (ha NO I am not that good it was just a childhood dream) but then college happened, marriage happened, a career happened, children happened and I never thought about swimming again. However, many years later, after my 8 year old daughter was born, I ballooned up to my all time heaviest weight and pants size. Something had to change, I chose to drop the weight by training for a sprint triathlon and was only a couple of months away from competing in my 1st sprint, when I got pregnant with child number 4. I figured ok put the triathlon on hold I would do it when he was a little older, WELL I got pregnant almost right away with child number 5 and when she was only 6 months old, nearly five years ago to the day of registering for IM 70.3, my world went from triathlons to trippin'. I never imagined I would be trippin' I never imagined I would be a cocaine addict, that I would be struggling with mental health being in the hospital more than once. Triathlons slipped my mind, until it was triggered it was pulled forward, not by something but by someone, someone that God knew would forever change my life.
As much as I doubted God, wondered if there even was a God, and surely didn't want a God in my life over the course of those five years, there He was. He presented Himself to me, in my life, through people. If nearly five years ago to the day of my signing up for IM 70.3 my world hadn't been turned upside down, I never would have sought out a church. Had I not sought out a church I would never have met the most incredible bestie ever! It was through that someone, my bestie Denise, that my memories, my desire, my goals, and dreams of a triathlon were pulled forward from the recesses of my mind when she said, let's do this! Denise, the most amazing way in which God blessed my life over these five years, didn't know me before I was trippin', but she saw my heart, she knew I wasn't meant to live a life of trippin' so she found one of our many commonalities and said let's triathlon together. She never once left my side while I was trippin' and although she can't compete with me in the triathlon she is by my side every step of the way. When I told her, I'm scared this a big deal, she said you're scared that means you will do it. When I texted her the picture of my registration for the race her reply was I know where I'll be October 17 and 18th. That's my bestie the one that held my hand through the trippin' the one that pulled from the recesses of my mind the dream to do something big with swimming, like a triathlon. God knew how empty my life would be, God knew I had walls built high and thick and deep. God knew I didn't want people or friends God knew I wanted to be this tough "I got this" badass that depended only on myself. I was broken! Just like the statue in Goonies I felt naked, broken, and exposed, but that's what I needed.
Just as God knew these last five years what I needed, just as God knew I needed to be broken, just as God gave me the free will to make the terrible choices I did, God knew that this five year anniversary would be tough! He knew that I would do one of three things I would ignore it, I would cave and go back to how I was five years ago or I would dig deep I would remember I am not fragile and through Him I am tough, even when I didn't know, He knew. Ya' see this is the 1st year there is an IM 70.3 in AZ, I am racing in the inaugural triathlon. God knew that five years to the day of my world being turned upside down that the registration for IM 70.3 would open, He knew this five years ago when everything started. He knew, even when I didn't, that I wouldn't always be trippin' He knew my dream of something big something like an IM 70.3 triathlon would happen. He knew that just like a glow stick sometimes we need to be broken before we shine. Will I shine at the race, in terms of racing standards, absolutely not. But I will shine because I went from trippin' to triathlons!
Every time I say, or hear, or think that line my mind instantly finds that place in the recesses of my brain, you know the one where I have tucked away all those cheesy one liners from movies long ago, this is not an exception, the all time classic Goonies!! I watched that movie countless times in my formative years, yet somehow, the all important scene, the one where they break the manhood off of their mom's statue slipped my mind, until one day...One day when I was all excited to find Goonies on tv, recorded it, and turned it on for my kids that night. Oh PUHLEEZE you all know me well enough to know we are not a modest family, yet the uncontrollable laughter from the boys and hearing Garrett say where's the remote we need to rewind it pulled me back into the living room, only to see them rewinding it for the 10th time and still all the boys laughing hysterically and the girls getting annoyed by this whole, "it was only funny the 1st time" moment. Isn't it ironic how our mind can instantly recall some things yet others are forgotten until something triggers them, pulls them forward??
With all that aside I want to say:
HEEEEEEEEYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU GUUUUUUYSSSSSSSS!!!
I did it! I signed up for HIM or IM 70.3 or whatever you want to call it, it doesn't change what it is! I signed up, paid for, and committed to an Ironman 70.3 in exactly 214 days 9 hours 1 minute and 59 seconds from the time in which this sentence was typed (that's October 18th if you don't want to get out your calendar to look)! That's right I will be swimming 1.2 miles, biking 56 miles, and running a formidable 13.2 miles. But, all that aside I am in awe of the perfect timing of this race, God's perfect timing, because IM 70.3 wasn't in my plans until 2016!!
Five years ago, nearly to the day of my hitting the button to register for the IM 70.3, my world was shaken. I could sit here and tell you what happened, the why, the how, but not today, maybe someday I will, but not today. However, for some reason the idea that five years had passed, that five years ago my world, as I knew it, would be forever altered was something that I was really struggling with. Not struggling like I wanted to start trippin' again, not struggling like I felt I was going to send myself back into the throngs of darkness that I fought so hard to come out of but struggling with the whole idea of all that happened over the course of almost exactly five years to the date of my hitting submit for this triathlon. I was struggling with guilt, shame, anger, sadness, regret, pride, relief, peace, happiness. I was struggling with knowing how to feel about what my life has been like over the course of the last five years. Five years ago I had never taken anything more than a Tylenol and birth control, and umm well six kids later, we know I didn't always remember to take one of those. To me a mental hospital was for the CRAZY, not middle class moms with great husbands a houseful of kids and two masters degrees. To me a drug addict was the person that hit me up for money at the street lights, they were the ones found in a motel room with a needle in their arm, not middle class moms with great husbands a houseful of kids and two masters degrees. Yet, over the course of these last five years I learned 1st hand that mental health issues and drug addictions can happen to anyone (yes I said anyone) I learned 1st hand that life is precious and fragile and it can be tough yet at the same time I learned that I am not fragile and I am even tougher than the toughest days.
I love to swim, I always have. As a little girl I used to imagine myself being an Olympic swimmer (ha NO I am not that good it was just a childhood dream) but then college happened, marriage happened, a career happened, children happened and I never thought about swimming again. However, many years later, after my 8 year old daughter was born, I ballooned up to my all time heaviest weight and pants size. Something had to change, I chose to drop the weight by training for a sprint triathlon and was only a couple of months away from competing in my 1st sprint, when I got pregnant with child number 4. I figured ok put the triathlon on hold I would do it when he was a little older, WELL I got pregnant almost right away with child number 5 and when she was only 6 months old, nearly five years ago to the day of registering for IM 70.3, my world went from triathlons to trippin'. I never imagined I would be trippin' I never imagined I would be a cocaine addict, that I would be struggling with mental health being in the hospital more than once. Triathlons slipped my mind, until it was triggered it was pulled forward, not by something but by someone, someone that God knew would forever change my life.
As much as I doubted God, wondered if there even was a God, and surely didn't want a God in my life over the course of those five years, there He was. He presented Himself to me, in my life, through people. If nearly five years ago to the day of my signing up for IM 70.3 my world hadn't been turned upside down, I never would have sought out a church. Had I not sought out a church I would never have met the most incredible bestie ever! It was through that someone, my bestie Denise, that my memories, my desire, my goals, and dreams of a triathlon were pulled forward from the recesses of my mind when she said, let's do this! Denise, the most amazing way in which God blessed my life over these five years, didn't know me before I was trippin', but she saw my heart, she knew I wasn't meant to live a life of trippin' so she found one of our many commonalities and said let's triathlon together. She never once left my side while I was trippin' and although she can't compete with me in the triathlon she is by my side every step of the way. When I told her, I'm scared this a big deal, she said you're scared that means you will do it. When I texted her the picture of my registration for the race her reply was I know where I'll be October 17 and 18th. That's my bestie the one that held my hand through the trippin' the one that pulled from the recesses of my mind the dream to do something big with swimming, like a triathlon. God knew how empty my life would be, God knew I had walls built high and thick and deep. God knew I didn't want people or friends God knew I wanted to be this tough "I got this" badass that depended only on myself. I was broken! Just like the statue in Goonies I felt naked, broken, and exposed, but that's what I needed.
Just as God knew these last five years what I needed, just as God knew I needed to be broken, just as God gave me the free will to make the terrible choices I did, God knew that this five year anniversary would be tough! He knew that I would do one of three things I would ignore it, I would cave and go back to how I was five years ago or I would dig deep I would remember I am not fragile and through Him I am tough, even when I didn't know, He knew. Ya' see this is the 1st year there is an IM 70.3 in AZ, I am racing in the inaugural triathlon. God knew that five years to the day of my world being turned upside down that the registration for IM 70.3 would open, He knew this five years ago when everything started. He knew, even when I didn't, that I wouldn't always be trippin' He knew my dream of something big something like an IM 70.3 triathlon would happen. He knew that just like a glow stick sometimes we need to be broken before we shine. Will I shine at the race, in terms of racing standards, absolutely not. But I will shine because I went from trippin' to triathlons!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Self Forgiveness What An Amazing Gift
Friday morning I was composing an email, whining to my friend Robin, while doing the umpteen million things I needed to do, before I could even walk out of the house. I was looking forward to two free hours, kid free, chore free, animal free, errand free, gym free, virtually responsibility free while I got my hair cut and colored. Then the phone rang, as I was walking out the door, the lady that was supposed to cut and color my hair couldn't, her daughter was sick. Sigh, there went my free time, my me time! But I got it, I get it! I have spent the last 10 days with a sick kid in my house, this flu is NO JOKE. The email I had mentally written to Robin was about HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE NEXT THREE MONTHS!?!?!? We just opened up our rabbitry (and I am quickly learning that buying rabbits is NOT like buying show goats, insert I am way too OCD/Type A personality to keep having these curveballs tossed at me), I have 12 very expensive show goats coming in the next month all of which will need bottle fed and picked up from the airport all on different days, 40 baby chicks arriving this weekend, the 3100 sq ft garden needs planted, I have two kids starting baseball which means games or practice every night, I have one taking horseback riding lessons, and the other three well they just get to tag along, OHHHH and because I am no longer trippin' but working on that IM triathlon I train 12-15 hours a week at the gym! And NOW my haircut/color had just been cancelled I somehow had to fit that whine into my email to her, right?
I then walked past the shelf, you know that one that is full of well intentioned, some day I'll get to it stuff, this shelf where I keep several devotional books. AH CRAP! That's right, I had told myself I was going to try to read a devotional everyday to work on my self improvement. UGH when was the last time I had read one, ummm maybe last week, no maybe the week before, no not then must have been January sometime. Well, might as well do one RIGHT NOW so I can mark that off my to do list. My heart wasn't in it, my self improvement wasn't in it, I, just for that day, wanted to say I did my devotional. I was going to read it on the fly and say that I had done it, that somehow I was a better person for those three minutes of reading. However, that day, that moment, God knew that even my check list daily devotional could speak to my rushed, hurried and challenged heart. Because, like so many other ladies I am a busy woman, wife, mom, homesteader, writer, athlete but Friday morning my busy got spoken to.
Anyone that knows anything about me knows that I messed up pretty bad from May 2010 until May 2013 that I spent those three years of my life trippin'. Some days, weeks, and months worse than others but that three year span of my life I was trippin'. I have spent a lot of time, the last couple months, struggling with self forgiveness and even more so I have spent the last few years of my life trying to feel the empty spots, those deep voids with busy, those areas that I needed to forgive myself for and just turn over to God. Because of the way I lived my life during that span of three years, and also because largely in part to how I grew up, I try not to feel emotions, emotions always seem to get me in some kind of trouble. I try to fill the emotions, the numb, the frustration, and even the good feelings with busy. Busy isn't a feeling, busy is an act, busy is something I can do and I can do it well. Busy isn't something that I have to think about or even better yet busy isn't something that I have to feel. Busy is just a way of life and I can fill all areas of my life with busy and I can make that busy work in my favor. However, Friday I saw, during that "cross this off my list three minute devotional" that there are deep places within my soul that busy can not reach. I suspect those are the places that God has designed for nothing to reach except Him. Nothing that He allows to fill those places but Him and nothing can truly reach those deep places, but Him. As hard as I try to allow busy to reach those and I get really close, busy just can't penetrate that which is meant for God.
I am also very much an introvert, I like being alone, I like my space, and I keep my bubble of friends very tight. But this has become more and more the case the busier I have become. I truly feel like I can't make room and time for one more thing, because I have tried to fill up all those deep parts with busy. I don't care to make time for relationships it's not a priority to me with the exception of my husband, my bestie Denise, and my close friend Robin. However, Friday I also saw that it is so much more than the busy that zaps my desire to have relationships outside of those three. Those three people: Roger, Denise, and Robin don't judge my imperfections, they see the me behind the busy, they don't care that I have 5 loads of clean laundry on my coach that needs put away, that if you crawl into the back seats of my suburban you might find some crazy science experiment, and they go beyond that they forgive this tattooed, tries to be tough and gruff when really I am just super sensitive person when I can't forgive myself. So Friday as I sat down to whine to Robin about my busy God took that opportunity to show me that I need to forgive myself I need to let Him fill the voids that busy can't reach. I wanted to open my computer to whine to her, instead I took a moment and said God show me what to do with this, show me how to forgive myself when You and so many others have already forgiven me.
I didn't have to wait long, He heard my heart's prayer, how do I make peace with my pain, the pain I caused myself? Friday afternoon I shared my story with essentially a stranger, someone I didn't really know. When I was done, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel sorry for myself, I wanted to wallow in that self pity in that you messed up Ryan, not a little but really big, you were trippin' but instead I walked into my gym to work on that IM triathlon. While I was running I thought about what this lady had shared with me and I may have let a tear slip out of the corner of my eye, not because I felt sorry for myself, but because at that moment I realized how many people out there have a story like mine, now many people try to fill those deep voids with busy. It was on that treadmill that I realized just how truly grateful I am that time is over. That today, all I have left from that self inflicted pain is a memory. I have spent the nearly two years since my sobriety, since I flushed the cocaine down the toilet, living in that pain, because I refused to forgive myself. Friday, while running on that treadmill I made the decision that from "this day forward" I will live without the pain but will always accept that I have the memories. Friday was a big day in my little world, I, for the 1st time fully accepted that in order to forgive myself of the pain and the circumstances surrounding the pain, I have to remember that today, any day no matter what, is better than any of those days. There were lessons in those three years that I learned that I never have to learn again. I am here, I made it, and I am fully able to live again. I absolutely will always be busy that is just who I am, but I don't have to try so hard to fill the corners of my life that God has meant to fill now that I can forgive myself and accept His grace mercy and forgiveness.
Tomorrow will be 21 months sober! This crazy busy woman, wife, mom, homesteader, writer, and athlete will be one day further from trippin' and one day closer to triathlon!
I then walked past the shelf, you know that one that is full of well intentioned, some day I'll get to it stuff, this shelf where I keep several devotional books. AH CRAP! That's right, I had told myself I was going to try to read a devotional everyday to work on my self improvement. UGH when was the last time I had read one, ummm maybe last week, no maybe the week before, no not then must have been January sometime. Well, might as well do one RIGHT NOW so I can mark that off my to do list. My heart wasn't in it, my self improvement wasn't in it, I, just for that day, wanted to say I did my devotional. I was going to read it on the fly and say that I had done it, that somehow I was a better person for those three minutes of reading. However, that day, that moment, God knew that even my check list daily devotional could speak to my rushed, hurried and challenged heart. Because, like so many other ladies I am a busy woman, wife, mom, homesteader, writer, athlete but Friday morning my busy got spoken to.
Anyone that knows anything about me knows that I messed up pretty bad from May 2010 until May 2013 that I spent those three years of my life trippin'. Some days, weeks, and months worse than others but that three year span of my life I was trippin'. I have spent a lot of time, the last couple months, struggling with self forgiveness and even more so I have spent the last few years of my life trying to feel the empty spots, those deep voids with busy, those areas that I needed to forgive myself for and just turn over to God. Because of the way I lived my life during that span of three years, and also because largely in part to how I grew up, I try not to feel emotions, emotions always seem to get me in some kind of trouble. I try to fill the emotions, the numb, the frustration, and even the good feelings with busy. Busy isn't a feeling, busy is an act, busy is something I can do and I can do it well. Busy isn't something that I have to think about or even better yet busy isn't something that I have to feel. Busy is just a way of life and I can fill all areas of my life with busy and I can make that busy work in my favor. However, Friday I saw, during that "cross this off my list three minute devotional" that there are deep places within my soul that busy can not reach. I suspect those are the places that God has designed for nothing to reach except Him. Nothing that He allows to fill those places but Him and nothing can truly reach those deep places, but Him. As hard as I try to allow busy to reach those and I get really close, busy just can't penetrate that which is meant for God.
I am also very much an introvert, I like being alone, I like my space, and I keep my bubble of friends very tight. But this has become more and more the case the busier I have become. I truly feel like I can't make room and time for one more thing, because I have tried to fill up all those deep parts with busy. I don't care to make time for relationships it's not a priority to me with the exception of my husband, my bestie Denise, and my close friend Robin. However, Friday I also saw that it is so much more than the busy that zaps my desire to have relationships outside of those three. Those three people: Roger, Denise, and Robin don't judge my imperfections, they see the me behind the busy, they don't care that I have 5 loads of clean laundry on my coach that needs put away, that if you crawl into the back seats of my suburban you might find some crazy science experiment, and they go beyond that they forgive this tattooed, tries to be tough and gruff when really I am just super sensitive person when I can't forgive myself. So Friday as I sat down to whine to Robin about my busy God took that opportunity to show me that I need to forgive myself I need to let Him fill the voids that busy can't reach. I wanted to open my computer to whine to her, instead I took a moment and said God show me what to do with this, show me how to forgive myself when You and so many others have already forgiven me.
I didn't have to wait long, He heard my heart's prayer, how do I make peace with my pain, the pain I caused myself? Friday afternoon I shared my story with essentially a stranger, someone I didn't really know. When I was done, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel sorry for myself, I wanted to wallow in that self pity in that you messed up Ryan, not a little but really big, you were trippin' but instead I walked into my gym to work on that IM triathlon. While I was running I thought about what this lady had shared with me and I may have let a tear slip out of the corner of my eye, not because I felt sorry for myself, but because at that moment I realized how many people out there have a story like mine, now many people try to fill those deep voids with busy. It was on that treadmill that I realized just how truly grateful I am that time is over. That today, all I have left from that self inflicted pain is a memory. I have spent the nearly two years since my sobriety, since I flushed the cocaine down the toilet, living in that pain, because I refused to forgive myself. Friday, while running on that treadmill I made the decision that from "this day forward" I will live without the pain but will always accept that I have the memories. Friday was a big day in my little world, I, for the 1st time fully accepted that in order to forgive myself of the pain and the circumstances surrounding the pain, I have to remember that today, any day no matter what, is better than any of those days. There were lessons in those three years that I learned that I never have to learn again. I am here, I made it, and I am fully able to live again. I absolutely will always be busy that is just who I am, but I don't have to try so hard to fill the corners of my life that God has meant to fill now that I can forgive myself and accept His grace mercy and forgiveness.
Tomorrow will be 21 months sober! This crazy busy woman, wife, mom, homesteader, writer, and athlete will be one day further from trippin' and one day closer to triathlon!
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