One of my two favorite seasons is spring, spring brings about some pretty amazing things! Baseball!! Gardens!! Farm babies!! Weather under 115 degrees!! However, spring is also the season of struggle in my life. There's really no reason for it other than, I guess that's just how I'm wired. For the 1st time in five years, this spring I was prepared for the season that was upon me, however, it didn't come without it's challenges. But, I can stay I did not start trippin' and I am still training for that triathlon.
I have always been so ashamed of the fact I have BPD, I honesty can not think of another thing in my life that holds more shame. This is lame I know, because it isn't something I chose, it isn't something I did, or a path I picked for myself to walk on. The shame comes from embarrassment, the shame comes from what will others think when they know, the shame comes from the fact I feel that I am better than this. I get so frustrated when people say to me it's nothing to be ashamed of. I know that, but please don't invalidate my feelings surrounding it. I despise, " don't worry what others think," it does such a disservice to my valid thoughts and emotions. Can you truly show me a person that hasn't worried what others thought, at least at some point in their life? The mentality of don't worry what others think not only belittles the emotions but also feeds into that self righteous, I'm all that matters mentality. We live in a society in which everyone has an opinion, everyone is judged. It doesn't matter what it is about, we live in an age where shaming has become perfectly acceptable, and mental health sadly isn't the exception it is the rule.
Surrounding every large scale crisis, be it a pilot taking down an entire plane, a couple of men bombing a race, someone shooting a child or a family or a movie theater filled with patrons, etc mental health momentarily comes to the forefront and the powers that be band together demanding mental health awareness, but mental health isn't like physical health there isn't a cut and dry solution. It is these short lived national mental health campaigns that make my shame greater. I want to undo ever telling anyone I have BPD or that I was in the hospital, each and every time one of these campaigns surface because that is not me, that is not the face of mental illness, yet sadly that is what society sees. I understand no one is in control of my shame, just like no one is in control of yours, but it is this shame that has caused me to take a stand and share a bit of my story, from this last year, with you, hoping that you can find hope, peace, and know that you are not alone. Not everyone that struggles with BPD or other mental health issues resembles those that make the news.
Last May I had a follow up appointment with my psychologist. She is very well versed in BPD and I really liked her, dare I say I might have even trusted her. I sat across from her answering her slew of questions and proudly proclaiming to her that I was no longer trippin' I was one year drug free I was sober. At the end of the appointment she said to me, "Ryan you no longer meet the criteria for a diagnosis of BPD" No lies I did the happy dance all the way to my suburban, I called my bestie Denise, I texted Robin and Roger, I was so happy! I had done it I had done something so many told me could never be done. I no longer had BPD! Do I say that I am cured? Do I say that I am in remission? It didn't matter because fist pump and other parking lot oddities I was no longer living under this label. However, wait! The same person that walked out of the office is the one that walked in! I had worked so hard at both sanity and sobriety I was no longer trippin' and because I held so much shame around my BPD because I no longer met the criteria for a diagnosis that must mean poof the little magical psychologist fairy wand was waved I WAS CURED! Please don't get me wrong I put in a lot of hard work to no longer meet the criteria, but because of the shame I held I wanted so badly to believe that because she told me this all the daily struggles would vanish into thin air. I felt that because I had proclaimed to anyone that would listen I NO LONGER HAVE BPD that all the daily ins and outs of this illness would also just evaporate. When they didn't the shame grew, I felt that I was failing that I had done something wrong because I wasn't supposed to have this anymore. But, it's like my elbow. I busted up my elbow when I was 12. It no longer meets the criteria some 26 years later for a broken bone but there are still days that it hurts and aches and reminds me that it was once broken rather badly, that although it is healed there is still residual pain, and pain that sometimes pops up for no reason even when I'm not using my elbow. The same occurs with my BPD, there are days that it hurts and aches and reminds me that not so long ago I was broken rather badly. Yet, I hold no shame in saying "ouch my elbow hurts from when I broke it when I was 12" but for me to say "my emotions hurt, my thoughts ache from when I was broken when BPD was a driving force in my life"
So today I am telling you all sometimes I still hurt and ache and it wasn't that too long ago I was broken badly with BPD. If you were to look at they symptoms or the criteria for BPD there are many that I are mute issue for me that have no impact on my life whatsoever. I do not engage in impulsive behaviors in fact it is much the opposite I plan and think things out maybe a little too much. However, I used to! This is where my drug addictions came into play. I also do not have suicidal or self harming behaviors. I can't even think of the last time either of these thoughts came into play. However, again, they used to. If you were to see pictures of me from not so many years ago I had 11 yes 11 facial piercings, why? Because, the pain from the piercing was a release for me. Periods of intense depressed mood nah I'm not depressed I haven't been since I stopped the cocaine. However, this is where my "no longer" ends.
My struggles with BPD are all very much relational. In some of my other blogs I have spoken about the walls I had built, that I dislike people, that I don't need or want friends. Of those three statements only the walls statement is in fact true. I like people, I want and need friends but because of the struggles I have with people it is easier for me to just say I don't like people I don't want friends, when in fact the opposite is very true. The deep and personal struggles I have had this year, that I have shared with no one, purely out of shame, because I am supposed to be cured remember, is that of relationships. I have let more people into my circle, into my life this year, and let's just be honest that freaks me the fuck out! I pretend it is ok, that I can handle it, but instead it freaks me the fuck out! I literally go into a panic mode! This past year I have added a triathlon coach, a friend I met through rabbits, I have shared my story with teachers at my kids school, I have told a mom friend, the list goes on. When I try to share with those that were already in my circle that have walked this path with me from the beginning that I can not handle this I can't handle letting people into my life, I am often told give it a chance it is good for you. In theory I see that, but please don't invalidate where I am at right now because the struggle is real! A deep and harsh reality is that I don't know how to deal with the anxiety, the fear, the worry of letting someone in. Then I tend to split with this person. NO, I don't mean split like go our separate ways and ABSOLUTELY NO I don't mean split like I have multiple personalities I split with the people wanting them close to me but needing them out of my life. I draw them in only to push them out. I often get told I am a thoughtless heartless bitch, but this splitting hurts me just as much as it hurts the other person. I had one person tell me recently well if it hurts you don't do it. Ummm, well okay then, my elbow hurts me to and I can't just not let it hurt. I can do things to prevent my elbow from hurting and I can get it to hurt less, but somedays it just happens it just hurts. I do not now nor ever use my BPD as an excuse for my actions I am responsible for them, but some times some moments it gets the best of me. I am not a cold heartless thoughtless bitch, I hurt and feel probably way deeper than most.
I hate hate hate the word abandonment yet I think I hate it because of the shame it holds. If you couple the fear of abandonment with the splitting actions I get trapped into a vicious emotional and mental circle. I freak the fuck out because people are in my circle, and because I freak the fuck out split I pull them in I push them out, and because I split I fear the abandonment of those I have let into my circle, and because I fear abandonment and don't know how to talk about all this without shame bam it often comes out as inappropriate, intense, or uncontrollable anger. Welcome to the world of BPD! This is what the world refers to as a cycle and y'all even though I no longer meet the criteria for BPD this cycle is still a part of my life and I can guarantee you it happens every single time I expand my circle a little bit.
This spring I have expanded my circle a lot, way more than I have ever expanded it before in my entire, gasp nearly 38 years. This expansion has hurt, it has hurt me and it has hurt some of the relationships I value the most. It hurt these relationships because I held so much shame I couldn't even tell them I was struggling so instead when I freaked the fuck out I blew up. Sorry only goes so far, but I don't know what else to say. I truly didn't mean to. It honestly just happened before I knew what was happening. And while I'm on this path of all things honest when I blew up it was this huge release and for like a split second I felt better until I didn't until I felt worse. I don't ever want to use my BPD as an excuse or as a reason but the more I have denied the fact that I still have components, the more I have stuffed it, the more I have faked it til I maked it, the more I was less honest with myself and those close to me the more this junk got out of hand.
So here I sit blogging for all of you to read, telling you, you have got this you aren't alone, I understand, because these last 2 weeks I did a lot of damage to some very meaningful relationships. But here's the deal! Honesty is the best policy. Had I only been honest with myself, with my bestie, with a few others in my circle I would have had to deal with the vicious freak the fuck out cycle of expanding my circle alone. I just want you to listen, errrr read this and believe me when I say if I can do this if I can be real and honest and open if I can overcome if I can fight the BPD demons so can you! I can't tell you that you won't feel shame, because I won't invalidate your feelings like that, because shame is real. I can't tell you that you won't feel this overwhelming anxiety wondering what others will think and worrying about what if no one wants to be my friend. I can't tell you that the silence of those close to you won't be deafening but I can tell you DIG DEEP! Get honest, get real! Find that person that you can freak the fuck out with that you can let in your circle that you know that no matter what happens they will be there. May is BPD awareness month find that person those persons that you can be real with that you can make aware of your BPD struggles, hurts, irrationalities and aches because BPD breaks us. Become painfully aware of your own BPD struggles this month see what you need to do to conquer. You too can go from trippin' to triathlons and know you are never alone you are worthy of having someone in that circle of yours!
